Best places to build a drug den in Cambridge

Cambridge doesn’t really have a drug culture. This is a great shame.

Drugs can open your heart and mind to all sorts of possibilities. So, please come with me on a journey in which I intend to open your heart and mind to all the places that could be used to set up a sub-culture conspicuously absent from the dusty village of Cambridge.

There are many drugs to choose from, and the type of drug should match the environment – so here you go:

Weed

Re-live the sixties with this timeless classic. It was “in” then and it is most certainly “in” now. It really just chills you out – what better place to do it in the serene environment of the library?

Just sit back, relax and wonder at all the words that have been written in our lifetime. Doesn’t that just blow your mind? Books. Re-awaken your zest for learning one joint at a time.

Perhaps make brownies rather than smoke. Smoking inside is illegal. Try and focus on one criminal activity at a time.

Warning: This may or not result in a significant decline in productivity levels

Laughing Gas

Laughing gas gives is fun for about five solid seconds. Like our three-day freshers “week”, laughing gas is a short but intense burst of happiness only to be replaced with the weight of reality. Good times.

The best place for laughing gas is somewhere you can appreciate the transient nature of life, how the only reliable aspect of it is continuous, relentless change, and that place is the train station.

Feeling fabulous, free and ready for change

MDMA

Mandy, Molly, whatever you want to call her. MDMA is there for you when you need her. Repay the favour and take her somewhere nice.

An ideal drug den for the two of you to spend some quality time together would be in the corner of a dark club, in a booth all to yourselves. You will really be able to connect with each other, and with a lot of strangers who you don’t know and may never see again but feel really close to.

Everyone is connected, the table is round, the world is round, it’ll be a great night with many a link made.

Life is beautiful, just remember that

Cocaine

Like receiving bad news, cocaine is best taken sitting down, hunched over and with friends close by. Anywhere with seats arranged intimately is the right place.

The college bar would be all right, maybe the JCR. Feeling comfortable, looking good, cocaine should be taken where you can relax.

The effects are long lasting so aim to be in the den at a time where you will be most undisturbed, i.e. avoid catching the end of formal, unless it’s a formal for Economists in which case our sweaty-businessmen of tomorrow will probably be up for some drug-related antics.

Heroin

A white, odorless, bitter crystalline compound, according to Urban Sictionary. Heroin is not for the faint hearted, quite literally, seriously, you could die.

But, in the spirit of things, the best location shall be revealed. The best place to “shoot up”, “bang up” and “boot up” would be…the street-side.

Mate, you shouldn’t be doing heroin, the sooner someone finds out the better. Sorry to be a party-pooper but chances are you’ll be the one ending the party early anyway because of premature death. Lollollol.

Seriously, don’t do heroin. Sure, cocaine sometimes, on the weekends, with your mates, but heroin is a no-no.

Maybe you won’t agree with the places chosen. Maybe you think, “hey, I know drugs better than someone who’s spent the last half hour searching ‘drugs slang’ in urban dictionary for the purposes of this BuzzFeed-esque list.” You’re probably right.

Don’t ya just love it

At least if the content of the article is a load of bullshit, (a blatant lie, a fragrant untruth, an obvious fallacy, according to urban dic), then the frame of it can function as a kind of dysfunctional – yet functional – shopping list.

 Enjoy your weekend.