Preview: HEADLINES – A Sketch Show

Acclaimed student comedy group, No Fixed Abode, can exclusively reveal a transcript of the last broadcast of Howard Christian, the new Anchor for Breaking News (no, we haven’t heard of it either). Howard was recently sacked by Fox News for being just a bit too offensive and has now decided to turn his considerable talents to a UK audience.

My fellow Americans.

My name is Howard Christian, and I’m here to say the things that no one else will say.

I speak for the people who know that vaccinations are a great CIA plot against our own people, that homosexuals are nfiltrating our schools using their agenda, and that President Obama…is a replicant.

I’ve just arrived in this United Kingdom of yours, taking up work at a TV Station called “Breaking News” (no, I haven’t heard of it either). I came to this country after I heard that a group called the UK Independence Party was doing well here. If there’s one thing I love, as a gun-totting, god-fearing American – it’s Independence.

My favourite film is Independence Day, my favourite kind of math is Algebraic independence, and my favourite kind of ant is an independ…ant. Independence is in my blood. I dunno what your UK wants independence from, but I say, what have you got?

This birds is inception.

I’m here to say the things that no one wants to say, hear or even think after spending hours browsing the Mail Online while tripping balls, and I’m going to say it how it is – evolution is a scam. Fact. Darwin was as UnAmerican as Sean Penn doing the backstroke with Owen Jones in a vat of Leninade. The evolutionists say the world began with a big bang. You want to know what I think? I think there was a bang alright, and it was a bomb. An act of terror on US Soil. Well, technically speaking, there was no US Soil but the big bang blew up everything that came before, so there might have been US Soil.

My new broadcasting crew will tell the truth about the here and now, about how it actually is. You can see all this and our fantastic live show tonight, ladies and gentlemen! We’ll have live panels, on the ground footage and reports coming in constantly.

So get your ticket already, what are you? Some kind of communist?

HEADLINES: A Sketch Show runs 23rd-25th April at 9.30pm. Tickets can be purchased here: https://www.corpusplayroom.com/whats-on/comedy/headlines-a-sketch-show.aspx