This unacceptable oppression of men must end now

Gentlemen, I present before you a heinous double standard within our society, a burden we have bore for hundreds of years.

The burden is this: our nipples are simply not sexy.

Not sexy at all. Even if we wanted them to be. There is nothing we could do to make our useless paps objects of attraction.

Sorry bro, they just make your torso look like a sad face

It’s awful. When I’m trying to turn somebody on, I can’t rely on the trusty nip-slip. I couldn’t become a sex-cam worker showing only my top half. The first bit of my stripteases lack a certain ‘big reveal’ factor. Flashing people is significantly more difficult, not to mention significantly more sinister.

When I take my shirt off in a public place, nobody bats an eye. If I were to start a conversation with a woman, I bet she wouldn’t look at my nipples once. Not once. Not even a glance. No, I bet she’d maintain eye contact with me and exchange pleasantries, the bitch. 

Even if her eyes were to rove across my Adonis-like figure, I can’t image they’d linger long on my hairy, pinkish protrusions.

What’s not to love?

If I got them out on film it wouldn’t be more than a PG. A photo of them wouldn’t even be soft pornography. I don’t get to wear a piece of clothing which keeps them hidden from view at all times.

But it’s just what we’ve come to expect in this society. While men are struggling to get their nips noticed, women have got it all. Their nipples are so sexualised it makes me sick. Sick. Call it bloody preferential treatment or what.

What I’d give to be able to feel self-conscious in cold weather, or to have to spend twice as much on underwear. They’ve got it so jammy people even complain when they use their mammory glands for their intended purpose in public.

Aesthetically our nipples are the same in basically every way, yet people get excited over theirs and not ours. This is simply unacceptable.

Look, exactly the same

So, men of the world, this is a call to action. I am here today starting a campaign to revolutionise our society, to end the subordination and the hypocrisy. I am calling this campaign “Restrict the Nipple”.

This is progress

I demand the male papilla be sexualised. It should be banned from Facebook. It should be scandalised in public display. We must keep it covered at all times by an expensive piece of lingerie.

Whenever you see a topless man out your reaction must be one of outrage, whenever you see beach snaps on Facebook you must flag them as spam, whenever you see nippleage on television you must furiously write to the producers, telling them such smut must be removed as it will adversely affect the children – all the while repressing your inner feelings of arousal.

Join me, and together we can end the misery.

#restrictthenipple