Tab Lonely Hearts Round 2

Looking for love in Cambridge this Valentine’s Day? Sick of small talk in the Cindies smoking area that never gets beyond the same old socio-political implications of postmodernism? Well, look […]

lonely hearts the tab valentine's day

Looking for love in Cambridge this Valentine’s Day?

Sick of small talk in the Cindies smoking area that never gets beyond the same old socio-political implications of postmodernism? Well, look no further! The Tab has found some niche love-meeting-making-dating locations in Cambridge, for you.

Many fine benches, for one

Many fine benches, for one (I mean two)

The Strip Club above Life

Okay so maybe this isn’t exactly love, per se – but hidden away above Waterstones is a cosy little strip club, open Friday and Saturday nights between 1am-5am only. Rumour has it it’s owned by Trinity, and profits from it go to the student grant fund for geological research projects over the summer.

Called ‘Guilt Strip’, it’s the patrons that strip, not the dancers. There is no coat check, only a privilege check service at the door. 

03 At Least We're Not As Bad As Them

The Punt and the Pole

This cheekily titled service offers romantic rides on punts and will pair up strangers to be sat next to each other. It normally runs from beside Orgasm Bridge during the day, but has some special rides that can be booked at night.

Jerwood_Library_Trinity_Hall_Cambridge

So sensual

This Valentine’s Day it’s offering midnight ride on a punt through the underground canals of Cambridge. Of course, not all of these are safe to punt under, so the tour restricts itself to those under the former Bull College, a post WWII College for American GIs that was itself housed in the location of the former 15th century Michaelhouse College. The college was later abandoned after their Lent bumps team disappeared in catacombs below.

Cambridge Train Station

In a fresh attempt to appease those angry at fare rises, the National Rail service has instituted a new scheme, ‘High Speed Dating’.

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Like having one drink then running away

Under new guidelines, all single passengers seeking heterosexual romance are asked to sit in the front carriage; all self-identifying men seeking other men, carriage B; all self-identifying women seeking other women, carriage C.  It is hoped this will provide a social utility by reducing the number of dating website advertisements on the train.

Those seeking multiple partners are asked to do so on the Tube.

Cambridge Marketplace

Cambridge: on every street there's probably someone you know

It may be that none of the above work for you, so if you’re getting increasingly desperate, as February 14th draws nearer and nearer, why not try Market Square? There’s a wonderful mix of romantic and sultry services on sale here.

There’s left over blind date forms:

“Blind date! Getcha blind date! 3 for a £1 and I’ll throw in an avocado!” 

The avocado is of course a well-known aphrodisiac, although if you barter hard, you might be able to get some tourist merchandise. Nothing is sexier in bed than a baseball cap with the Cambridge University logo.

Or, there’s even LITERAL RAG BLIND DATE – where lonely students are known to lurk around the square blindfolded, hoping to find someone. Most of them have just been found by bikes so far.

Yes, these are some bikes

Yes, these are some bikes

For more information about the full range of services available at the Marketplace, please see here

The whole Tab team here is wishing you a very Happy Valentine’s Day, and we sincerely hope you find someone. But maybe, just maybe you can’t find anyone: was your blind date form returned to you stating that you were incompatible with everyone in Cambridge? 

If it did, we’ve got your back with TAB BLIND HATE. Need to extend your shitlist?

<< Maybe you wanted to act, but were shit >>

<< Wanted to be a BNOC but only get cold and bored in Cindies smoking area >>

<< Wanted to punt but only ended up in the River Thames>>

Email in to [email protected], and we’ll assign you someone to detest this Valentine’s Day.

Terms and Conditions apply: Be cool. Don’t harass anyone. This is a joke. Please don’t email us.