So Long, Farewell, (German Goodbye), Goodbye!

JOSSIE EVANS: Week 3

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Thank God we’ve moved to Kaleidoscope! Jossie Evans waves a thankful goodbye to Monday night ‘Fusion’ at Revs.

Last term the rebranded ‘Fusion’ night was one of very few options for Cambridge’s LGBT+ party goers. Well I say a less than fond farewell, we’ve moved on and I am here to embrace ‘Kaleidoscope’. I hold ‘Fusion’ almost singlehandedly responsible for very near heartbreak.

I can only assume that I was recently inspired by the new rebranding and decided to fuse lips with another who was not and is not my girlfriend. Under the irresponsible guidance of alcohol, the inside door of a cramped toilet cubicle looked the perfect place for a brief tongue bashing with She Who Shall Not Be Named. The sordidness of it all was as clear as the “wank stain” scrawled on the back of the door. I was the biggest wank stain in Cambridge at this very moment in time and was thoroughly ashamed.

WANK STAIN

 

To make matters worse, the first person I saw upon hurrying out from the toilet of iniquity was, of course, my perfect-in-every-way girlfriend. The gut wrenching pain of entirely self inflicted near heartbreak is something far too painful to share with you unfeeling readers of The Tab. I know for sure you will be commenting with every adulterous-related hate imaginable and echoing the “wank stain” sentiments.

Arrested for adulterous behaviour.

Arrested for adulterous behaviour.

The blame undeniably lies with me… And She Who Must Not Be Named, and ‘Fusion’. Really, had it not been for the latter’s cheap lager, sultry smoke machines and dim adultery encouraging lighting none of this would have happened. “WANK STAIN!!” Yes, most of me is joking. So in ways I only really know how, I hereby make a very public apology to all involved. Note to self, agree on an open relationship prior to kissing other people.