Tab Style Guide: Emailing Your DoS

And get a first.

awkward Comedy Email professor

Crafting the perfect email to your director of studies used to be a hard task. Students have been known to spend days on end, trying to perfect their message, beating their heads off against the computer. Well, beat off no more, students of Cambridge – The Tab is here with the ultimate DoS email template.

General tips:

  • Font: ‘Wingdings’ is firmly off the table here, obviously. I would alternate between ‘Comic Sans’, and ‘Impact’ – you take things seriously, but know how to have a good time.
  • Tone: treat them mean, keep them keen. If it works on dates, it works with your DoS
  • Edginess: this is a must – pepper the email with swear words, have the intensity levels increase as the email progresses

Follow this format, and you’ll have a starred first within minutes:

  1. Subject – grab the attention. Let them know that if they don’t open the email, bad things might happen.
RIP Emmanuel Bench

RIP Emmanuel Bench

  1. Greeting – be original. Why bother using their name, when you can use the name of a celebrity – that way they know you have friends in high places
  1. Open with a joke – if you can’t think of a whole joke – just do the beginning of one
  1. Fact – academics love
  1. Ask an unexpected question – this will let them know you’re always ready to learn.
  1. Tell them a personal truth – to make sure they know they can trust you
  1. Tell an obvious lie – too much trust can be dangerous
  1. Quotes – reinforce how much you read, with quotes from great thinkers.
  1. Publicise something – never miss out on a chance to get your message across. A show, a sports game, even a magician – its totally your choice. Never miss out on an opportunity for publicity. You have freedom of speech.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u27WmC7hG_Y

  1. Comment on how our right to free speech is being eroded –that way they aren’t allowed to disagree with you
  1. Medical question – get them to put that doctorate to good use
  1. Christmas countdown – chances are, your DoS will know exactly how many days it is until Christmas – but we all need reminding every now and again
330 days. We're positively aroused about it.

330 days. We’re positively aroused about it.

  1. Internet trends – Make it known that you’re on-board with the latest Internet trends, it would be disastrous if they thought you were out of touch
  1. Your message – now you’ve got their attention, they’ll be hanging onto your every word. Put this in big letters so they know its important.
  1. Ending the email – this is a chance to make them think – say something really deep
  1. Sign off – don’t just say ‘thanks’ – if possible, refer to something topical
dos2

#topical

 

  1. Your name: use your own; there’s a time and a place for banter – this is neither
  1. Email signature – be sure to reference something that you’re DoS won’t understand, it’ll keep them wanting more
  1. Include a picture of them – this personal touch is so often forgotten