Tab’s Lonely Hearts and Marketplace


| UPDATED Cambridge lonely hearts

Not content with it’s Agony Aunt, The Tab would like to further intrude on your personal life with a Lonely Hearts section.

Here are this week’s:

Selling place on law lectures. Contract 10am Friday 23rd January at Sidgewick Site. £10 per ticket. PM me.

Well-paid graduate job, in London. Looking for someone with 10 years’ experience and no higher education. PME.

I saw you again cycling over Orgasm Bridge. Beautiful, slim and streamlined. Oiled all up right good, shining in the miraculous sunshine. My bike. You stole my bike, you bastard.

I was infuriated and infatuated at the same time

Hi, I’m a lonely guy. Looking for an internet relationship. Reasonable, informed person with strong left-wing views. Hobbies will include attacking and mocking your opinions. Comment below to find me.

Student stuck at Cambridge Marketplace. All roads curve in Cambridge. Keep ending up back where I started. Cannot escape bubble. Send 3 course dinner.

Have had to survive of Olives

Selling second-hands books, may have some highlights, vomit, and 16th century manuscript in them. Pop by and just picks up. Address: UL, West Road, Cambridge.

Sick of all the swaps. Looking for a heart to hold. A real heart. Personal message me here. Violently excited. My serial number is #KI113R.

The name’s Dick Shaun Nary. I’m an alpha. I’ve written you 26 letters. Why haven’t you written back to me?

Life’s always getting me down. Cam looking for a bridge.

I saw you sultry, dirty, so wet, and so so dirty. Diseased. Please clean the river. Yours sincerely, over involved constituent.

Ladbirdsladbirdladbirds swap swap ladbirds

Selling 4 textbooks, 1 gown, and a knock-off degree. Oxfam Book Store, Sidney Street.

Lost my Ladybirds. Ladybirds. Ladybirds. Where are you?

We are going to make this a running joke if it kills us

Send your lonely hearts to [email protected]