Whose sex life is it anyway?

I’m bed serious.

access activism Cambridge satire Sex whose university

I’ve had enough. I’m taking a stand.

My college has fucked with my sex life for long enough.

We all know that there is a toxic environment at this university. The colleges perpetuate the belief that academic work is the be all and end all of the human experience. Nothing must stand in the way of that longed for first.

One way in which this manifests itself is in the colleges’ determination to ruin all of our sex lives.

Why do they do this? The answer is obvious. Sex takes up time. Time that could be spent working.

In particular, sex sometimes develops into a long term relationship. And if there is one thing that takes up time, it is emotional involvement with another human being.

That’s not a hockey stick. That’s a pencil.

Everything this university does is part of an insidious mission to stop me from pulling.

The first, and most obvious, element of this is the fact that nearly every college only offers its students single beds. And small single beds at that. These beds will not accommodate two people.

I have seen this cause untold tensions in both my relationships and those of others. We are forced to choose between spooning the one we love/settled for and actually being able to function the next morning.

I mean this is all lovely… But also sex.

We emerge from our single beds in the morning tired, irritable, and desperate to be single ourselves.

This is incredibly bad for our wellbeing. One friend was forced to build his own double bed, which he claims “almost maimed” him. Another nearly damaged his back attempting to carry a contraband double mattress up a spiral staircase.

Of course, it would be extremely problematic of me to suggest that the only important sexual relations are those within monogamous relationships.

Unfortunately, colleges have found a way of standing in the way of our more promiscuous tendencies as well. The fact that in many colleges you need a key or card to leave the premises at night means that those who wish to exit a college that is not theirs post one night stand are often forced to suffer awkward encounters with the college porters. Lived experience shows Magdelene to be particularly problematic on this front.

Wrong Fitz, but I can’t bring myself to look at the other one.

The confusing layout of colleges also prevents easy coming (heh) and going from one night stands. Again, research has shown that Fitz is an absolute nightmare to navigate in the dark if you haven’t been there before.

Since coming to Cambridge, I have been unable to hold down a functioning relationship. My attempts to balance my degree and my sex life have led to a mediocre 2.i and – in the distressingly accurate words of the artist – “a long list of ex lovers, who’ll tell you I’m insane.” This must end.

So cum with me. Join the revolution. Be the change.