Porters suffer freak injuries from dangerous doors at Newnham

Following the security breach last week in which a drunken male stumbled into Newnham after drinking society initiations, doors at Newnham continue to cause disturbances.

A message from the Head Porter informed students that porters organising incoming mail had been “caught by peoples’ bags/rucksacks and there have been cases where the Porters are stood near the door and hit by the door as students open it to enter.”

But it looks so harmless…

The e-mail concluded that the solution was to restrict access “at approximately 10.30am” during the distribution of bulk mail. Students in dire need to access pigeon holes during this time were advised to speak to the porters.

In the light of the retirement last week of the much loved porter Paul, there has been some speculation that door-related injuries were to blame.

Some Newnhamites seem sympathetic. One insisted:

“The porters were really nice. They offered to show my family round college. We shouldn’t injure the porters!”

Others less so:

“The buzz sounds and the door moves slower than a snail. A blind person could avoid the door.”

No complaints have been noted about the revision to pidge-access since the email, and the issue has been considered an open-and-shut case.

Forget violent criminals, drunken townies or poisonous snakes. Real danger may swing at any moment.