I queued for two hours at the Krispy Kreme opening and I didn’t get any donuts

My alarm went at 0600, but no I wasn’t going rowing, I was going to go to the Krispy Kreme store opening in Lion Yard.

I got there at about 8 am, after snoozing my alarm too many times, only to find that I had been beaten to first in line by a Homerton fresher!

Arse. She would be the proud recipient of a “Gold Card” – entitling her to two dozen free doughnuts a month for a year.

I was relegated to receiving a ‘goodybag’.

No matter, I thought, obviously they will hand out free doughnuts whilst we’re waiting, something to ease the pain of sitting down on a cold marble floor for two hours.

08:45: The third person arrives, a schoolboy skipping lessons under the pretence of a dentist’s appointment.

09:00: My bum is frozen, my hips have locked in place – I haven’t sat cross legged in years. Is it really worth it – of course it is, there’s going to be free doughnuts!

09:20: I drop hints to all the PR people about something to whet our appetite, or maybe one of their snazzy Krispy Kreme jackets all the marketing people were wearing. No doughnuts appear, no jackets are given.

No sneeze guard will hold me back

09:40: The queue is pretty full now, we first three discuss what freebies we might get, perhaps a double dozen each? Maybe just a dozen? They’re hardly going to be stingy, I mean what’s the marginal cost of a doughnut produced on an automated production line, pence?

09:50: The Homerton fresher is taken inside for some PR photos and to sign off on her ‘pre-drafted quote’. She receives her gold card, whore.

09:59 50 secs: The grand opening! The Lion Yard manager starts to count up from 1 whilst the Krispy Kreme manager starts to count down from 10. Much chaos ensues. We’re let in to the store and I get my goodybag!!

10:00: I look inside the bag and see some stationery. There must be a voucher somewhere? Maybe I’ll get given a doughnut inside? Please? Someone feed me?!?

I went to the Krispy Kreme opening and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt and some cheap stationery

The lady behind the counter asks if I would like a doughnut.

Finally, I thought, some free sugary goodness! I ask for one of the Halloween special editions and she passes it to the till operator who asks for £1.75.

£1.75 and two hours waiting. Was it worth it? Probably not.

10:01: My jaw drops, flabbergasted I proffer my debit card and with it my dignity.

I realise, I have been nothing more than a marketing pig, lured in by the unspoken promise of free goodies.

The three of us who were there from the beginning just want to leave as soon as possible – but not before we are whored out again for the photographers.

Admittedly they never said there would be free doughnuts, but for a company with a profit of over $30 million, you’d have thought they could spare a few quid for a doughnut or two for some people who have sat on the floor of Lion’s Yard for two hours.

I sold my dignity for the hope of a doughnut. Shit.