How to be a spectacular wingman

Wingman: a verb and a noun. The wingman wields great power. On the one hand, they potentially plant the seeds of a tender love that may eventually grow into a beautiful, strong tree. On the other hand, they potentially take said seed of love and crush it into dust before it ever takes root.

With great power comes great responsibility, thus, the selection and implementation of wingmanning methods is critical. Have no fear, readers. I am a master.

1. Find out some interesting facts about your chosen one, then drop these juicy details into conversation.

For example, ‘Ronald, when’s your next hockey match? Ronald plays a lot of sport. You can probably tell, I mean look at that killer body’. Or, ‘Eric has a really big penis. It’s disproportionate to his body. Surprisingly large’.

Works like a charm.

2. On a night out, poor gender-balance can be a problem. Where are you guaranteed to find the correct chromosome combination?

The loos.

Wander in, inform everyone that you have too many men/women, you can personally vouch that they are a good pull, does anyone want an introduction? No one has taken me up on that offer, but it’s only a matter of time.

3. When you dancing in a club and spy an attractive stranger nearby, be decisive.

Grab your single friend, and forcefully launch them at your target. When they are clutching each other to regain balance, yell ‘Wingman!’, wave your arms in the air, and run off triumphantly.

You may laugh, but this is surprisingly successful as an ice-breaker.

However, it is not without its risks. Having been on the receiving end a few times, I can say that if you are pushed too hard then you’ll end up injured. Safety first, guys.

4. Now, we’ve all had some friends who seem to both want each other, but are taking a long time to do anything about it.

A good friend interferes on their behalf.

Wait until both parties are drunk and probe them. Get some choice quotes, then ‘accidentally’ reveal this to the other person. Subtlety is key.

Also key is not getting too drunk yourself. One classic line I remember giving a friend was, “They either said that they are desperately in love with you, and want a serious relationship, or that they only saw you as a friend. I just can’t remember which one.”

The couple in question did not appreciate my interference at the time, but it can provide an excellent bonding experience.

5. Another way to assist such a couple is by pretending to be interested in one of them.

Jealousy will spark action.

During the day, just be more touchy-feely than normal, make some flirtatious comments, wink at them every now and again for no apparent reason.

At the club, take things up a few notches. Start grinding inappropriately. Make sighing sounds and say their name a lot very loudly.

Pretend to get with them. This requires a certain talent. For instance, saying ‘let’s put our heads really close to each other and look away’ just looks like you have put your heads really close together and looked away. Kissing on the neck is quite easy to fake.

Alternatively, if you are close friends, just get with each other. Take one for the team.

It may be a good idea to tell your subject of your plans before you carry them out.

6. Nab your chosen subject for yourself.

You think that they are good-looking, kind, intelligent, funny. You think that they need someone who appreciates them, someone to laugh at their jokes, someone to gaze longingly at them from afar… Hey, that could be you!

Now a few warnings:

7. During a spot of procrastination on urban dictionary, I found one particularly lovely definition:

“A friend of yours who will distract the fat hater friend so you can hook up with the hot girl… and bang her, bang her like a drum”.

This is disgusting misogynistic bullshit that masquerades behind the name of “wingmanning”. You are a tosser. It won’t work.

8. No means no.

One of my friends had a school friend to stay. After disappearing to “go to the loo” for an hour, leaving me and his friend making awkward conversation, I returned to my room to find my friend fast asleep in my bed.

He refused to leave my bed, asserting “Shag my friend, he’s up for it”, failing to realise that his friend had anticipated his actions and had spent the last hour trying to convince me to have sex with him.

I was unamused, especially when he refused to leave my bed even once I had cleaned my teeth, put on my pyjamas, climbed into bed and fallen asleep.

Remember: you are helping a couple find mutual passion and enjoyment, not helping a friend “get laid”.

And if against all odds the relationship does actually turn out to be meaningful and successful, the said couple could always name their first-born after you. Yes Dom and Emily, I am hinting.