Holly Lunt – Nigel Farage is an obese slug

Hello to everyone reading my fifth column!

This week I’d like to discuss politics, and what it means to the Cambridge student.

On Sunday UKIP won the European elections.

I hate UKIP. Yes, I know they get a lot of bad press, but to me they represent everything that’s wrong with politics. How can a party that hates Europe be elected as the European politicians? It simply doesn’t make any sense. People say Nigel Farage is the new Brad Pitt or Trevor Nelson, but to me he looks to me like an obese slug that’s fallen down a drain onto the floor.

Man… or SLUG?

But part of the reason that UKIP have gained so much power is that other parties simply aren’t cutting the mustard. Look at Ed Milliband for example. He’s boring, lifeless and dull. I don’t understand why anyone would want to listen to him speak for more than about five or six minutes. People say he’s the new Neil Buchanan but to me he looks like a boring old bag of dust. It simply isn’t good enough.

Personally I think Ed should aim to be more like Dale Winton. Dale knows how to get people on his side and how to be likeable. He’s charming, but that doesn’t mean people don’t take him seriously, which is exactly what’s needed in politics. Ed should perhaps pay more attention to people like Dale rather than just trying to boost his profile all the time.

Politics is so important partially because political groups give people a sense of identity. I know my special group defines who I am and what I live for, but for many people it’s the Lib Dems or the Conservatives! Just because we’re students that doesn’t mean we should ignore the big issues, which is why voting is so important. If you’re too lazy to vote you need to take a good look at yourself. Every vote counts!

Don’t be lazy like this dog, which might drown if it isn’t careful!

Now last week I presented some of my ideas for scripts, and these proved popular in the comments. So this week I’d like to present my script for an anti-UKIP advert. There aren’t enough anti-adverts on TV, so I think we could really be onto something. Here it is:

Anti- UKIP TV Advertisement

(Length: 3 minutes)

We see an old garage door. It is a faded white but is peppered with blood stains. Slowly and surely it begins to open. Yawning, creaking. The light flickers on inside the garage. It is full of dead gorillas. Thirty of them. Some have their eyes open. Some have their eyes closed. Some have no eyes at all. Some have one, single, eye.

Nigel Farage sits on top of the gorillas. He grins. He has more teeth than usual. Rows and rows. He begins to cackle, like a weird old witch. As he starts to cackle, so do the dead gorillas – their chests pulsating violently as they vocalise these weird hissy crackling sounds that sound like sand paper being thrown at a million chimneys. He bounces up and down with the movement of their chests.

The camera zooms in on his mouth and we see that it’s full of teeth. Completely. There are teeth where his tongue should be, where his throat should be, where his teeth should be. He’s all teeth.

VOICEOVER: Imagine there’s no heaven.

FARAGE: We’re waiting.

VOICEOVER: It’s easy if you try.

FARAGE: WE’RE WAITING.     

VOICEOVER: No hell below us.

FARAGE: Racism.

VOICEOVER: Don’t vote UKIP.

The garage explodes. The camera zooms in on the rubble. Nestling in the debris is a massive gorilla egg upon which it says ‘there ain’t no black in the union jack’.

Egg explodes.

ADVERT ENDS.

Hope you’re all well and are coping with exams.

Holly x