Killer shrubbery drives King’s potty

Outrage after falling plant pot almost decapitates Kings porter

Email falling head porter King's plant pot Porter pot shrubbery third year

A Kings porter narrowly escaped a pot on his life when a plant pot fell from its roost on a windowsill and hurtled down towards him with lightening speed.

Steve Turpentine was walking around Webbs’ Court in the notorious college, minding his own business, when the flower pot, as if possessed by some demonic spirit, launched an unsuccessful attempt on the innocent man’s life.

Lucky to have survived

Lucky to have survived

A jaded but dashing third-year anthropologist was seen with the item just prior to the incident. When asked what he was doing he replied, “Pot? What pot?”

“That’s not mine I’m just holding it for a friend.”

“I swear it just helps me sleep.”

The Tab consulted a range of medical experts, all of whom concluded that if the pot had made contact with the unfortunate porter, the effects would have been catastrophic.

One undergraduate medic asserted that, had Turpentine been hit by the pot, there was a very real chance that his head would have exploded, thereby ruining the immaculately trimmed Kings lawn.

As a result of the disgraceful and murderous event, Kings – a supposedly liberal college – have ordered that no items be placed either on the outer or inner window ledges overlooking the court. The Lay Dean conveyed this message to all Kings residents, putting ‘no items’ in block capitals just to show how serious he was being.

One hopes that such an incident of satanically-possessed plant pots was a one-off, although this event does call into question the safety of possessing inanimate objects.

A national enquiry by the department of health and safety is sure to follow.