Five Things To Do At Your Desk

1. Buy your domain name

I’m no IT pro, but I have IT fomo, and after being repeatedly assured by “GoDaddy” that buying a domain name would kick-start my business, I finally caved.

For just £6.49 I bought www.jessfranklin.com and now I sleep easy knowing that, for at least a year, no one can upload memes of cats under my name. You could even say I’m UR-eLated.

2. Update your iPhone software

This is a drudgery but it needn’t be. For three or four minutes after updating to IOS 6.7.8.999 you can swipe in directions you’ve never even dreamed of and reveal amazing new features such as the flashlight (not the fleshlight, mind you!). Try shining the new torch at everyday objects, and see your world “light up” – Drake, or “light up, light up” – Leona Lewis, or “lighters up” – Lil Kim.

They’ve updated their iPhone software. Have you?

3. Take a selfie, then add a filter

Filters are the magic of the 21^st Century. They can make the lamest shots look cool. Take an awkward sideways selfie with an over-cluttered background, add an effect which sounds like “chromify”, and you’ve got yourself a hot new profile picture.

With my iPhone, I could put Mario Testino out of business

If filters existed in real life, we’d never need to get drunk again.

4. Find the most expensive item on Net-a-Porter (it’s shocking)

Wearing these clothes comes at a price, if you know what I mean! As a general rule, the more it costs, the more it… sucks (can’t really think of a snappy rhyme to go here). Perhaps when something costs £10,000 they’re offering you that much to wear it, but if you want to maintain some street credibility I wouldn’t go in for the deal.

‘For £32,910 you could have this luxury wardrobe and plenty of space to showcase it, because nobody will stand near you’

5. Trim your hair

Hair is like a smile; it’s the first thing you notice (maybe after the smile, or at the same time, I’m not sure. I made it up anyway) and a shaggy do will get you nowhere on the dance floor apart from a long ride home.  I’ll never forget what Bob Geldof once said  – “tidy hair, tidy heart”. So if you’re at a loose end, snip a split end!

My hairdresser, Natalie, hates my self-styling, but you’ve got to fight the system somehow and it’s best not to let your academic work suffer.

So there you have it. Five things to do at your desk. It’s a Saturday, so maybe you could even do them outside. Happy trimming.