William’s Guide to Cambridge

 As we all know, Prince William is gracing us with his agricultural managerial presence this term. Entering a new environment, where everyone knows your past can be overwhelming. It’s difficult to be your own person.

The Tab’s Guide to Wills’ Cambridge is targeted at you, William. We are charitably offering a helping hand to show you what’s worth doing in Cambridge; what’s a social no-no; what you can do to be the person you want to be.

You may be surprised, Willy. There is much more for a prince to do in Cambridge than walk around Johns aimlessly, head over to Trinity to see where your father gained his highly-commendable 2.2 and hang out in regally named establishments – The Mitre on Bridge Street comes to mind.

Prince William, there is more to Cambridge than Johns

In fact, what follows is your own tailor-made, bespoke Tab Guide to Cambridge. From garments to consolidating your position as Prince Charming, we have it all, Wills.

Your Gap Year and RAF experiences show you are clearly a well-travelled fellow. In contrast to these worldly adventures, you could be mistaken in thinking that Cambridge, an eighth of the size of London, offers little by the way of exoticism. Pay the tropical climes of Girton a visit. Their culture is heavily based around cycling and many (no one) have said that this cultural tendency is similar to that on show in Beijing. It suffices to say this oriental microcosm should sate your tropical desires to no end.

Girton – a varied climate

Let’s move to your princely duties. All princes should have a tower at their disposable. Chapel spires and medieval creations are all very dépassé and have been done. We suggest you select the UL tower. There has always been an air of mystery to the tower, what it contains and what it has seen, with only a small minority gaining access to it. Perhaps unfortunately, the Tower Project in 2008 dispelled rumours that it housed illicit pornographic material. However, porn or no porn, this mysterious structure could provide the perfect setting for all Rapunzel-esque extracurriculars that you plan.

We see it as our role to make you feel comfortable in your time here at Cambridge and we are well aware that homesickness could be a salient issue for a family man like yourself. Therefore, we would recommend paying a visit to Fitz. The unusual, brutal architecture is reminiscent of the way your dear cousin, Princess Beatrice, approaches fashion.

Fitz architecture and Princess Beatrice’s hat – both questionable

Forget making an estate run more efficiently, rescuing Damsels in Distress should be in all Prince Charmings’ remits. If you don’t know already, the Women’s Campaign is a potent force in Cambridge and is often embroiled in rampant debates. Keep an eye out for any members – they tend to congregate around jelly-wrestling pools or Best Bums articles. All they need is a paternal hand to point them in the right direction. This could be you, Wills. Do this, and your D-I-D quota will be reached in no time.

For the royal sartorialist in you, Willy, I would recommend you pay a trip to Ede & Ravenscroft. Try and wangle yourself a blues blazer, it would go with your eyes. Of course, we can always arrange an honorary blue in diplomacy for you, pre-empting future imperial triumphs. Joking aside, however, Will.I.Am, your Wiki page informs us that you are quite the sportsman, with football, polo and cross country running to your name. It seems the Light Blues have hit a bit of a wall when it comes to winning recently, please do help us out in any way you can.

Will, you probably look uncomfortable because your blazer is dark blue

So, Prince William, I hope this has been constructive. University is a transformative time for us all and I hope that this small contribution will in some way make your settling-in period all the swifter.