Alex Jackman: Week 7

My column last week got a mixed response. People were confused and disturbed by the serious content, and the consensus seemed to be that I should give my readers the kind of material they expect from a Tab columnist.

So this week, instead of writing about the corrosive influence of the tabloid media over public discourse in Britain, I resorted to unoriginal stereotypes and lazy satire. At the risk of slimming down my list of possible unis for MA applications and setting back access work by several years, here they are:

Part 1: A Cantab’s guide to Other Universities

Many a Cantab has felt dismay upon discovering other establishments which “educate” their members. To aid one’s survival in the lands of Those-Who-Do-Not-Even-Go-Here, here is a short guide to several of these institutions:

Durham
Study: No thanks, I’ll reapply.
Speak the language: ‘So, which college didn’t you get into?’
Cambridge Wannabe Score: “Doxbridge”. 10/10.

University College London
Study: Is the opiate of the masses
Student life:  While many universities are famous for their comedy scenes, the UCL Student-People’s Court of Student People executed humour itself in 1997.
Student Politics: ‘In light of the on-going chaotic and potentially dangerous situation, The Foreign and Commonwealth Office advises against all but essential travel to University College London’

West Midlands Polytwatnic (T’other Place)
Travel advice: Oxford has very little parking, so have Weatherly take the horse, not the Bentley.
Student life: Revolves around drinking port, voting Tory and hunting the poor.
Speak the language: ‘As “Boffo” said to me ‘Rargh arghle aargh shmashging’!’

Glesca University o’ Books an’ Shite
Survival tips: Don’t be English
Student life: Try local pastimes like football, deep-frying and cheerful violence.
Speak the language: (Extended edition courtesy of tame Scotsman Mames JcAulay).

Madam, you look divine this evening = “Hen, ye look pure stunnin th’night. Fancy a shag?”
I am struggling with my workload = “Ah cannae be doin’ wi’ aw this shite!”
Pardon me, but I am somewhat miffed = ““Ho, fannybaws! If ye don’t feck off, I’ll shove this radio so far up yer arse ye’ll be fartin The Archers for weeks”

Anglia Ruskin “University”
Study: Or don’t, either way.
Speak the language: I came up with 7 different jokes here and they all would’ve landed me in The Daily Mail.
How snobbish and bigoted this supposed irony is: I’m becoming what I used to despise.

Part 2: An Advice Column

Dear Tab-ony Aunt,
I am a former public schoolboy. I’m kind and enigmatic but I worry that people think I am obnoxious. What should I do?
Wanky Tom

Dear Wanky Tom,
You’re lucky to be at Cambridge, where public-school weirdness is relatively normal. I can only suggest how to mask your inherent superiority.

1.Stop talking. While “posh” is a label which says more about the labeller’s lack of an upbringing than about your habit of slapping lesser mortals about the head with your elongated vowels, simply nod and grunt instead.

2. Shave your head. Glossy hair implies one can afford conditioner.

3. Wear a t-shirt and jeans. We both know the only respectable casual clothing is shirt, jumper and chinos, but don’t let others think that you hold their shabby sportswear in contempt.

4a. Avoid talking about school. If you’re following point #1, this should not be a problem. Give the location, not name of your school. ‘I went to Eton’? No. ‘I went to school near Reading’? That’s better. Always say that you live in the UK, even if you’ve left for tax reasons.

4b.  If you do have to admit you paid for an education, remember: you got a full scholarship. If they suss you out, mock the ridiculous traditions and obsolete teaching methods. Philosophy club with your Ancient Greek master? School trip to Tanzania? The South African rugby team using your sports facilities because they’re better than the national ones? Disown it, disown it all.

5. Change your nickname. Seriously, Wanky Tom, what do you expect?

Part 3: Jalex Ackman tries: Writing like The Tab comments section

I was in CindiLiFez the other day, when a Curry King struck me. Why are feminists? Or are they? Actually, it’s a rational choice to have bums (no homo), but I got with my supervisor on a punt when I was too busy at U21’s training, so Alan Shearer will be disappointed with that, because The Clitt Pub are the patriarchy unless even the Women’s Campaign, but that’s why Greg Hill built a CUCA, because they’re the future squat rack of the country and I may be A Sensitive Scholar but Fitz beat John’s at rugby #BlukuBluku and that is the whole point of CUSU because oh for goodness’s sake this article is just pointless.