Tab Tries: Meatatarianism

BETH SWORDS hits the meat for a week. It’s tough.

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Disclaimer: none of this article is intended to be innuendo.

Meat is nice. I’ve always liked it.

Following a meatatarian diet for a week, therefore, seemed to make sense. Meat, poultry, fish and animal products were all that were going to feature in my diet for a week. Easy.

There are many reasons why meatatarianism makes sense: fruit and vegetables are dishonest to us, shortage of land for growing crops is a worldwide issue, plants are the hero in the climate change debate and protein transforms the appearance of my nails like no other. Firstly, so many vegetables parade around pretending to be fruit, when they’re not. It’s untrue, unethical and a betrayal of trust. Cucumber, green peas and peppers are three of such conspirators. With meat, you know where you stand – it’s red, succulent and protein-heavy. No middle way about it.

© Tarale, Creative Commons

I selflessly chose to eat solely meat for a week also essentially because of world hunger. I felt that this could be swiftly solved through the purging of plant-eaters. It’s a simple logic – to have as much energy as a meat-eater, a plant-eater would have to eat at least twice as much. They require more land and this land is just not as freely available as you think. Ergo, just eat meat.

What do plants do? GCSE Biology informs me that they engage in something called photosynthesis. This one’s a complex one. Surely, we shouldn’t be able to live with ourselves removing the mechanism that is reducing CO2 in the atmosphere? Instead, let’s be rid of these loathsome cows and the repugnant levels of methane they give off (by eating them).

Finally, from a purely, aesthetic and superficial level, my week with meat (the sequel to ‘My Week with Marilyn’) simply meant I had no white marks on my nails. For these days, lack of protein to me was like green pastures to a Bedouin or feminist comments in favour of ‘Rear of the Year’ (i.e. rare).

All such misdemeanours make a meatatarian diet a no-brainer.

Nice bitta meat. © Creative Commons, Tambako the Jaguar

From herein, I could give you a blow-by-blow account of my meaty escapade this week, however, I’m not really sure I want to relive all the meals I sampled. Bacon, chorizo and stock should never be experienced more than once (if ever) and cheesy sauce with sausage, although good, pushed me over the edge.

Day 1 saw me indulge in a bacon and chicken combo burger, the bacon acting as the ersatz bun. My go-to by the end of the week was omelette stacked with layers of sausage. The best by far was the bland mince burger I whipped up with a chorizo garnish.

My general feedback to anyone else contemplating solving world hunger and concerned with nail-care is almost all positive.

I never got hungry. Meat satisfies hunger like no other. ‘twas a bizarre sensation, feeling full as if I had just eaten a horse (something I may progress onto) and then as soon as that faded, being overwhelmingly ravenous. It felt quite primitive and I enjoyed voraciously tucking into a plate of meat as if I was about to return home to a cave and put on my buffalo-skin accoutrements.

Day 4: Definitely bigger

One thing I would say, such levels of meat, interspersed with milk, cream, cheese and eggs, did affect my personality. I felt compelled to adopt a Bible-Belt American attitude, talking more aggressively than usual and with an unusual deference towards lumberjack shirts. In this vein, it worked wonders for my muscles. I yearned to visit the gym an unusual amount and dead lift like no other simply because this felt right. Tucking into a cheap and gristly steak post-sesh was all that was on my mind.

Even though I didn’t experience waves of starvation-induced dizziness or tiredness, I did experience a couple palpitations and of course, a number of episodes of meat-induced sweats (needless to say, I steered clear of human interaction towards the end of the week). At times, I was so full of protein and saturated fat that I had meat-based dreams. A shortened life expectancy and cholesterol-clad arteries are all worth it once you’ve seen your supervisor turn into a steak mid-discussion on the Red Scare.

My meat experience was enlightening and something I may relapse into if I ever feel that climate change is worsening or there are too many cows around. What makes meatatarianism so great is that it’s not just a diet, it’s a way of life. A diet of meat is a diet that just keeps giving – energy wise and mood wise.

However, a word of warning: as with many things, meat all day everyday gets tiring. It doesn’t work in excess. As a student, I can’t afford the best cut of rump and therefore, have to settle for second-class meat. Consuming this incessantly is a bore and the gristle becomes work-intensive. Heart disease for that is not worth it.

Grant me a green peppercorn sauce any day.