Short Cuts To Curing That Hangover

Sick and tired of losing days to your hangover? Join CHARLIE DOWELL for some tried and tested hangover cheats…

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Last night I got drunk. Not to enjoy myself. Not to pick up two girls’ numbers and then forget what their faces look like. Not to tell my best friend I loved him. No, I got drunk for you Tab readers.

From downing pints of water to a fry up, we all have our own ways to beat the post boozing blues. Here I try some alternative medicines, so you don’t have to.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility for any food or other poisoning incurred from my recipes.

Cures can be found on even the most hopeless looking of work surfaces…

Cure 1: Jeeves’ tonic

Pulling myself out of bed this morning was hard. Making myself consume this concoction was harder.

Ingredients:

  • An unbroken raw egg yolk
  • Generous splashings of Worcestershire sauce
  • Tabasco

Instructions: Mix them all together in a glass.

This actually wasn’t too bad: the unfertilised chick foetus slipped down nicely and the sauces gave a pleasant tang in the mouth, boosting my alertness and sobriety. As a hangover cure it may not be the best, though it could be quite a good post coital pick me up.

Cure 2: Old Granny McDowell’s Hot Toddy

Good old granny (lord rest her soul) was a great old time drunkard with many a trick up her sleeve to avoid a VK headache.

Ingredients:

  • One cup of earl grey tea
  • A splash of whiskey (I prefer single malt)
  • A table spoon of honey

Instructions: Mix them all together in a glass.

Simply delicious. The best way to do hair of the dog. The warm tannin of the tea mingles well with the woody undertones of whiskey and sweet honey. Drinking it, I felt my brain being cocooned in a warm duvet of fuzziness; perfect for those hard core drinkers.

Cure 3: Soluble Paracetamol

Both hydrating and pain relieving, this is a winner. It got me through tonsillitis in freshers (sorry if I kissed you) and it has got me through this morning. The only problem was I put the tablet in a bottle that ended up spewing over my bag, bad times.

Cure 4: Part 1B Chemistry Lab

Nothing sobers you up more than handling extremely flammable and potentially carcinogenic chemicals. Staggering around the lab with a bottle of chloroform is a particularly useful trick; where dropping the bottle has the ability to knock out half the people in the room. Alternative procedures could be to sniff the petrol in the flasks at the back, or synthesise your own aspirin. The choice is yours.

Because that forgotten part of KS2 science might just come in handy…

Cure 5: The Braised Venison Shank

Not everyone’s idea of a hangover cure, but the rents were in town so why not.

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Well it won’t hurt will it…

Cure 6: The Gym

It is a well known fact that giving your body a physiological kick up the backside, gets you back in order. Running for 20 minutes at 13km/hr (fast I know) then grossing everyone out by dripping sweat over the cable weights, is the perfect way to slam the door shut on a hangover. Dehydrating it may be, but it focuses my mind away from self pity and on to concentrating on not falling off the treadmill. The best mental cure for a hangover.

So to all you people waking up with VK breath and furry teeth, take a minute to prepare a remedy. It may not save you from breathing un-metabolised alcohol over your supervisor, but it may make you feel better about it.