Mark Liu: Week 1

Hello. This is Mark Liu. I am breaking my media silence in my final term of my final year, mostly because nobody remembers who I am and they should.

Firstly, I should update you on what I’ve been up to. I’m absolutely crushing the Maths Tripos. I am banging out seven question example sheets because that’s how I roll. I am well on my way towards becoming an actuary (which has been my dream job ever since I saw the documentary Love, Actuary).

I also attempted to make a feature-length movie, but I was banned from filming it within college premises due to the negative impact it would have on said college. Also, it was apparently extremely offensive – but I say the world is extremely offensive. As an artist, I was merely trying to bring you the world on 35mm film, and I was silenced for it, much like Nitro was silenced during the Gladiators doping scandal of 1997. I am like the Ai Weiwei of Cambridge, except much more supportive of the Chinese government. You can find the screenplay here.

After that failed project, I decided to tone down my ambitions and try to solve all of the worlds’ problems in my own head, or using simple models. For example, I have already figured out the best solution to the Israel-Palestine issue by simulating the West Bank using a house on the The Sims 3. The results were quite illuminating. I also deduced the optimum change to have in your wallet to balance weight and utility (exactly £3.88 at all times), but these are both unimportant to the average self-absorbed, debit-card wielding Cambridge student.

Instead I have used excel spreadsheets to work out what the Tab readership care about most. They are, in no particular order: fucking freshers; bashing charity; hating protestors; female masturbation; brave anonymous articles; bnocs (assholes); girls talking about their relationship problems. I will try to cover all those in my upcoming columns.

I will warn you. You may perceive me as arrogant, especially when I claim to have solved everything. But I have and arrogance is just brilliance that you are jealous of. Trust me, I know jealousy too well, because every room I enter reeks of it. I was tempted to sit on my revolutionary ideas because, to quote myself, knowledge is power, which is work done over time.

But then, I had a change of heart and did a complete pi radians. I realised that I am no longer getting the attention I need or deserve. This is problematic because I require weekly doses of interaction, emotional and physical, in order to keep functioning at peak performance. This column will hopefully help me achieve those things.

YOLO.