Interview: Daniel Sloss

He’s Britain’s youngest stand-up comedian, a self-proclaimed ‘miserable bastard’ who is willing to call just about anyone a ‘cunt’; let’s see how The Tab fares in an interview with the hilarious and outspoken Daniel Sloss.

Hey Daniel. I remember first watching you on The Rob Brydon Show, where you said you can “only get nostalgic about Pokémon.” With that in mind, it seems only right to ask who your favourite Pokémon was and why.

My favourite Pokémon was Charizard.  Everyone fucking loved Charizard. One of my most distinctive memories is getting a shiny Charizard card – it was the genuine highlight of my fucking life.

Who are your biggest comic influences and why?

Ed Byrne was the first comedian I saw live – he was fucking hilarious. More recently I’ve been influenced by overseas comics, like Tom Stade, a massive Canadian stoner comic, and Louis C.K., who is the greatest comedian to ever have existed. They’re very different comedians who have all fully found their voice, which I’ve always wanted to do.

Last year you said of Kerry Katona that you “wouldn’t even if my dick was on fire and she was the nearest thing.” Taking this into consideration, it’s time for a quick round of ‘Snog Marry Avoid’, with Kerry Katona, Susan Boyle and Justin Bieber.

If that was the choice, I would genuinely kill myself. I will not be held responsible for carrying on any of those lineages.

It’s been reported that when starting out, you wrote to Frankie Boyle for advice. Is there anything you’d like to pass on to future hopefuls?

Man the fuck up or woman the fuck up and just do it. You don’t know if you’re good at it, if it’s something you genuinely want to do, until you get up on that stage.

On the topic of Frankie Boyle, what is your opinion on the controversy surrounding his comedy, especially in light of Channel 4 recently dropping him over his Paralympic jokes?

A lot of people are idiots, sadly. People know who he is, yet they’ll still turn on the fucking television to watch him and go ‘Oh, I’ve been offended’ as if it’s his fault. It’s their fault. When a waiter says ‘don’t touch that, it’s a hot plate’, if you touch it and burn yourself, that’s because you’re a dickhead.

You obviously have refined literary criticism skills, having recently tweeted “I hope she [50 Shades of Grey’s Anastasia Steele] gets fisted to death.” Could you ever see yourself turning away from merely critiquing fine literature and instead writing your own?

I hope to write an autobiography someday. I don’t know if anyone will fucking buy it though. At lot of autobiographies are successful because the person has a really troubled background, but I’m middle class and my childhood was fucking wonderful, so I have nothing to complain about.

On your blog, you’ve shared your enthusiasm for expletives, writing “swearing is fantastic.” What is your favourite swear word and why?

My favourite swear word has got to be cunt, for several reasons. It’s the most perfectly crafted swear word that’s ever existed. It starts and ends with two of the harshest sounds that a human being can make, and then in the middle there’s a grunt that just gets to the point.

Another reason I love cunt so much is because the way it offends people is just wonderful. It’s the closest thing to magic we’ll ever get. The reaction it gets – it’s almost as bad as killing a child.

You also complained about “straight, rugby-playing, boat-rowing, beer-chugging, parent-disappointing, posh popped-collar-on-a-pink-shirt cunts.” It just so happens that they make up a large portion of our readership, so I was wondering if you’d like to give them any life advice?

I don’t mind if you play rugby, it’s a wonderful sport – but if you define your life by getting as big as you possibly can, drinking as much as you can, bullying and emasculating anyone who doesn’t go the gym as much as you, if you wear tight Abercrombie and Fitch shirts and pop your collar… then go home, stand in front of the mirror, and fucking kill yourself.

Finally, I have to ask – Oxford or Cambridge?

I’d go for Cambridge. We did Cambridge last week on tour, and it was fucking awesome.  

Daniel’s DVD, Daniel Sloss Live, is out on 19th November.