Tab Tries: Chat Roulette
NICK SINCLAIR adds some serious spice to his browsing history…
The first time I visited Chatroulette a week ago for some preliminary research my computer screen was dominated exclusively by Algerian men furiously wanking.
From my experience I learnt that Algerians get really horny at around 6pm GMT, but this time I was hoping to make some real conversation. I’m not sure what was more upsetting – being subjected to dozens of bruised pork swords or the fact that they kept ‘nexting’ me because my face wasn’t good enough for them to come to. I resolved to look beyond the love muscle and chat to the idiots of the global village.
Nice hat, bro
Meet my Siberian pals Mikael, Sergei and Mikael’s girlfriend, Nastya. They were stoned out of their skulls and therefore really friendly.
“Ganj you smoke?” they enquired.
In the interest of investigative journalism I quizzed the gang about their political inclinations and what they thought about the recent Russian presidential elections.
“He rise up our country.”
The award for the most existential quote of the night undoubtedly goes to Nastya, after being asked what she does in Siberia:
Mikael was really into metal so we chatted a bit about Napalm Death and Cannibal Corpse. With a Queens of the Stone Age poster over my shoulder I asked if he was a fan. They clearly aren’t hardcore enough for a Siberian headbanger and things turned sour when he thought I had called him a queen.
The boys show me their homemade bong
Given his choice of headgear I asked Sergei if he was in the army and he replied in the affirmative. Maybe he was just lying to impress me, but I like to think that despite what Call of Duty would have us believe, the Russian Ground Forces just hang around all day smoking weed out of sparkling water bottles and sitting on Chatroulette topless.
I bade farewell to the Siberians and struck up a conversation with Parsa, a small business owner in Tehran. He was a pretty cool guy and let me ask him all these questions about life in Iran. I discovered Ahmajinedad isn’t so hot on the economy. Parsa will be my ticket to a Pulitzer.
“What do you think of Ahmajinedad?” I ask.
“He is so stupid mamn [sic]. Foolish.”
In my next encounter, a Turkish man hurls obscenities at me from behind the counter in a liquor store whilst brandishing a bottle of vodka in front of the screen. I sincerely hope this is what a chain of Turkish off-licenses has decided to do to keep advertising costs down.
I was lucky to be connected to the Siberians, whom I chatted to for about 20 minutes, but the remainder of the 40 minutes was made up of: 29 people masturbating (I saw the same guy twice in 15 minutes – clearly in it for the long haul); 7 adverts for sex websites; and 1 real-time blowjob which was kind of exciting. I cheered and the girl made eye contact with me through the camera. It was super awkward.
I would recommend Chatroulette for anyone looking for a good drinking game. But be warned, try not to use the site during the UK’s peak hours – no one wants to chance across their quiet uncle fingerslamming.
Enjoy Nick’s venture to the dark corners of the internet? READ him getting a bit closer to home with an investigation of Cambridge’s Craiglist here.