It’s The News!

Chelsea Player Not Involved In Scandal

In a shocking turn of events of events, a Chelsea footballer has not been caught in a scandalous situation. The player, who remains unnamed due to legal restrictions, has reportedly not cheated on his partner, never had an all night orgy with cheap hookers, and never shot a student with an air rifle. A club spokesman told reporters that the matter had been dealt with internally and reassured fans that the player in question would soon fit in with Chelsea’s terrible media profile as soon as possible.

Steve Jobs announces Gullible 2

Steve Jobs has announced the launch of the hotly anticipated Gullible 2. Speaking to an assembled crowd, Jobs praised the Gullible’s market leading special features such as no clear use, an exorbitant price tag and built in idiot attraction rays. The Gullible 2 will be released in Autumn 2011 for a special price of £1million to anyone who can prove to Apple that saying “gullible” slowly sounds a lot like “oranges”.

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CUSU Elections – The ‘Print Out and Keep; guide to all the presidential candidates:

1. The Communist

For: His photo looks rather Leninist.

Against: His policies look rather Leninist.

2. The Lefty Experienced One

For: He’s running on a platform with another experienced candidate.

Against: He foolishly thinks that anyone outside of the 20 people who form CUSU actually care about it.

3. The Lefty Other One

For: He’s not the other two.

Against: He’s still not that different from the other two.

Who should you vote for? Eeeny, meany, miney, mo…

TCS Editor In “Racist” Slur

James Burton has been accused of being a racist after, joking that CUSU candidate Heidi Aho had a name that sounded “a bit like a yodel.” Speaking to ‘It’s the News’, the editors of The Tab and Varsity said: “It’s a shameless insult that really scraped the barrel. So, we think we’re well within our rights to scrape the journalistic barrel and make a joke that probably every single person has made in their head when reading her name a scandal. The student press is about freedom and integrity and not just petty gang wars you know.”

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IMAGE OF THE WEEK

Long haired, baldy weirdo found guilty of looking weird. Charge of Murder dropped.

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And in the paper edition of ‘It’s the News’, which is perfect for cleaning up cat sick:

Sport

Appointment of Grand Old Duke of York as England Cricket Captain criticised following inconsistent performances at the World Cup (pg 18-20)

New Dumb and Dumber film ends in calamitous error at Wembley, according to trailer at Carling Cup Final (pg 20 – 21)

News

Mervyn King wins “Stating the Bloody Obvious Award” following speech criticising banks for lacking a social conscience (pg 22-23)

British promise full deployment of paper air plane forces to police potential Libyan No Fly Zone following defence cuts (pg 23-25)

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Jamie’s Dream School, 9pm, Wednesday, Channel 4

This week on Jamie’s Dream School, all the state school children are replaced by public school teenagers, and results improve rapidly enough for Jamie to tell universities to “stop discriminating” unfairly against private institutions.

Top Gear, 8pm, Sunday, BBC 1

Watch this week as Jezza and the boys overcompensate for their shit haircuts and fashion style by driving cars fast and insulting women, the Jews, or any other topical racial group who require insulting.