10 Outrageous Questions: Omid Djalili

Want to know Omid Djalili’s worst habit? Or where he would hide an elephant? Find out HERE: we ask the questions you wish you could, but wouldn’t dare…

beard biscuits Cambridge Union Colin Firth desert island discs elephant liverpool Omid Djalili paper round ulysses

It seems that Anglo-Iranian comic Omid Djalili has done it all: he is considered one of the best British stand-up comics of all time, has his own sketch show (called –  can you guess? – The Omid Djalili Show), and has appeared in movies as diverse and ‘sophisticated’ as Gladiator, The Infidel and Sex and the City 2.

But, if you expected The Tab to go easy on comedy royalty, you were as wrong as Sarah Jessica Parker’s face. We had no qualms about delving deep into Omid Djalili’s inner psyche…and his showering habits.

1. What last made you cry and why?

Liverpool fans throwing No. 9 Torres shirts onto the pitch from behind the goal during their game versus Chelsea.What a waste. That’s a week’s income support right there.

2. What is your best dance move?

The Hokey Kokey with a Middle Eastern bent (i.e. same as the English version but less ‘shaking it all about’ more ‘paying someone Filipino to do it for you’).

3. What is your worst habit?

Plucking my beard hair whilst eating any kind of coloured flavoured snacks.

4. What is your most embarrassing moment?

Watching the Oscars at 4am in my bedroom, when I became so excited that Colin Firth won Best Actor that I danced around the room like a child pretending to play “horsie” in the playground. This morning, the neighbour asked if one of my children was up in the night.

5. What was your first job?

A paper round in Kensington. I gave up after a week when I saw the other kids were paid more than me. Racist newsagent. Mind you, he was Indian and the other paper round boys were Pakistani, so I suppose he was trying just to right some political wrongs from the historical past between the two countries. Though I did hear him say once, with a thick accent: “the fat one won’t notice”.

6. What is the longest you’ve gone without a shower?

40 days and 40 nights. It was when I was going through my ‘Prophet of God’ phase when I lived on a Hounslow council estate in 1997.

7. If you could meet anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be and what would you say to them?

Al Pacino. I’d probably say “you’re shorter than me, ha ha.”

8. If I gave you an elephant where would you hide it?

I’d keep it in my garage and bring it out when necessary. For example, I’d lead it in quietly during a production meeting of a sitcom that everyone thinks I’m shit in but can’t say.

9. If you were a biscuit, which would you be?

A low fat, low calorie one. Then no one would follow me and try and engage me in conversation, taking advantage of the fact I’m a good listener by splurging out what is essentially the wounds from their childhood, thinking somehow if they were involved in my life, my charm, my celebrity, and my money will influence them and magically change their lives for the better when the simple answer is it can’t, and it won’t, so piss off.

10. If you were stranded on a desert island, what three items would you take with you?

James Joyce: “Ulysses”. Frank Sinatra: “Greatest Hits”. Smoking jacket & pipe (as one item). So ‘creepily debonair’ would be my chosen castaway look/activity…

AND FINALLY: Complete this sentence: Love is…

…indulging me sexually when finding me physically repulsive; and I’d like to publicly thank her for the last 20 years. Best Camel I ever bought.

Omid Djalili will be speaking at the Union TONIGHT at 7.30 pm. For more information, click HERE.