Tab Top 5: Movie Couples

In The Tab’s new film feature, our team of critics pick the top five of anything in the wonderful world of film. This week CHLOE MASHITER picks the top five movie couples of all time.

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This week’s Top 5 is all about loved-up twosomes, and it’s an eclectic mix: some human, some non-human, some not even breathing (don’t worry, you’ll see) but all of them perfectly matched partners. Cliched choices have been done away with, so there are no Rose and Jacks, no Scarlett and Rhetts, not even an R2D2 and C3P0 in sight. This selection of peculiar pairings are proof that opposites really do attract, making them perfect choices for Cupid’s very own countdown.

5) Roger and Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Animated icons, this squat, gurning rabbit and redhead sexbomb are one of the most visually arresting couples ever drawn. Jessica, of course, is known for giving hope to men everywhere when explaining that she was with the decidedly less attractive Roger because ‘he makes me laugh’ – yet their cartoonish relationship actually manages to come across as credible. Like any marriage it has its problems, but whenever these two are together you can tell that theirs is a love that will literally (they are cartoons, after all) never die.

Reason to stick together: A priceless combo of laughs and lust.

Reason to split: That height difference must make some things pretty difficult

4) Eli and Oskar from Let The Right One In

This will come as a shock to some, but for human-vampire romances, you can do better than Bella and Edward. Much better, as 12 yr old loner Oskar and centuries-old bloodsucker Eli demonstrate, even lasting a whole film with zero lingering glances or middle-distance stares. The innocence of Oskar’s affections leaves him totally unfazed by Eli’s darker existence – let’s face it, most of us would find profuse facial bleeding a turn-off, but not Oskar.

Reason to stick: They accept each other, fangs or no fangs.

Reason to split: Eli’s bound to develop some weird fetishes.

3) Lee and E. Edward from Secretary

And so to our only all-human couple in the countdown. Lee’s fraught and BDSM-centred relationship with E. Edward is sparked when she applies to be his secretary and receives some unconventional punishment for her typos. However, it’s precisely these mutual experiences that pull Lee out of a suicidal mindset and enable her to stop self-harming. True, the sexual energy between these two is so strong it could power Las Vegas, but after hearing how safe Lee feels under E. Edward’s control, you realise this relationship is more trust than lust.

Reason to stick: Avoids the awkward ‘BDSM talk’ with a new partner.

Reason to split: Office romances are always awkward the next morning.

2 ) WALL-E and EVE from WALL-E

If WALL-E had a heart, you know it would’ve skipped several beats the moment he set his optical receivers on EVE. I defy anyone not to find their affections endearing, and even with only a scattering of words WALL-E and EVE’s relationship seems more nuanced and detailed than the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling. You can instantly empathise with WALL-E’s sudden, relentless infatuation with EVE and together they span every stage of love, from obsession to heartbreak to contentment, making for the most epic love story on our list. And all from two lumps of metal.

Reason to stick: Well, WALL-E was the last robot on Earth.

Reason to split: Their incompatible hardware is bound to cause issues.

1 ) Lars and Bianca from Lars and The Real Girl

Bianca would seem perfect to most blokes: she never disagrees, would quite happily always stay in the kitchen and takes next to no time to get ready. Of course, she does happen to be an anatomically correct mail-order doll. Lars, too cripplingly insecure and socially awkward to even consider hugging a woman, orders Bianca and begins a relationship with her instead. Their romance is surprisingly touching, all the while representative of Lars’ slow progression towards forging real relationships. Their separation when Bianca ‘dies’ is so heartbreaking that I wept buckets. And I didn’t even cry at Bambi.

Reason to stick: She’ll always be perfect for him.

Reason to split: So that Lars can move onto girls with heartbeats.

And the worst…

Marnie Edgar and Mark Rutland from Marnie

The permanently awkward and unconvincing interaction between this couple quickly leads you to question how on earth this coitophobic con artist and domineering businessman ever got married. Of particular note is a scene where Mark, with a quick brush of his hand, causes Marnie’s nightdress to practically fly off her and then violates her, seemingly confusing husband for ‘rape wizard’.

Reason to stick: …the rising expense of divorces?

Reason to split: He rapes her on their honeymoon and she attempts suicide. Need I say more?

You may agree with our choices, or you may be seething at how ignorant and uncultured we are. Either way, feel free to post your suggestions below, cos we love a good ruffle of our proverbial feathers.