Fit Cantabrigian

After the popularity of Worst Cantabrigian and Fit College, The Tab brings you Fit Cantabrigian. Which of our alumni will get your vote?

Sacha Baron Cohen (History, Christ’s, 1971-)

On the left, it shouldn’t work but it does; on the right, actually very dreamy

Got expelled from school (a bad boy, that’s fit points already.) Went on to make his name shouting made-up words in a cod-rudeboi accent whilst sporting a yellow shell-suit and geometric facial hair. No, you see, it shouldn’t work. And maybe we’re seeing him through gold-tinted wrap-arounds. But look at it this way: a feminist (“BELONG? That’s a very sexist way to talk about these bitches!”), big on self-education (“sorry I was late, there was a documentary on about monkeys”) and an astute political commentator (“Parliament? It’s full of pricks.”) Really, there’s nothing this guy hasn’t got.

Vanessa Feltz (English, Trinity College, 1962-)

Big rack, big mouth…what’s not to love?

Who doesn’t like a lady with a gargantuan rack, peroxide hair and a first from Cambridge? Oh wait, EVERYBODY.  During her massive wedding weight-loss publicity stunt, we saw her mashing a Double Whopper into her face at a service station off the M5. Fact. What this tells us is that lying is the least fit thing anyone can do.

Lily Cole (History of Art, King’s, 1988-)

Annoyingly bloody gorgeous

Abnormally tall, unashamedly ginger, frighteningly clever… Nottingham Trent would rip her to fucking shreds. Certainly, you couldn’t call that mouth-to-face ratio normal- but looking like she’s from outer space gives her a kind of intergalactic sex appeal that couldn’t work on anyone else.

Loyd Grossman (Magdalene, History of Art, 1950-)

In no way a dweeb

Good at essays, better at sauce. Or should that be “sawwwwse”? I’d like to look through YOUR keyhole, baby.

Claudia Winkleman (History of Art, Murray Edwards, 1972-)

Such a cutie, isn’t she?

Everyone looks good next to David Sneddon, that’s a given. But looking hot next to Lemar – that is no mean feat.  It is looking increasingly likely that one day soon her fringe will absorb her entire face, and thus it is vitally important that your attention is drawn to her fitness with immediate effect.

Robert Webb (History, Robinson, 1972)

Sultry – Jez as you’ve never seen him before

“Who needs romance when you’re doing it up the bum?” Against all odds, a man with a funny voice and what seem to be a full set of milk teeth has almost made this sentence sound like a reasonable enquiry. This can only mean one thing: he is fit. And have you SEEN his cyclist calves?

Rachel Weisz (English, Trinity Hall, 1970-)

Er, wow

Absolute MILF in About A Boy, Lara-Croft-With-Brainz in The Mummy… generally neat of eyebrow and beautiful of face. Voice that conjures images of Cadbury’s bunnies giving each other erotic chocolate massages on shiny black pianos. Hair that smells like orchids and expensive bed linen and very good wine and Class. Possibly. Wouldn’t know, but would love to find out. Why? Fit, obviously.

Thandie Newton (Arch and Anth, Downing, 1972-)

Heart-stoppingly sexy or smug?

That half-smile is either so heart-stoppingly sexy that her face should be under ‘fit’ in the OED, or so comfortably smug in the knowledge of said fitness  that we want to snap her tiny body into little pieces and feed them through a paper shredder. But that’s probably just us being significantly fatter, poorer and less attractive than her. Alright, she’s fit – fine. But my gosh, doesn’t she just know it?

So who gets your vote?

The results will be announced in The Tab next week.