Miss B Talks Dirty: Practice Makes Perfect

Like everything in life, some fucks are better than others. I could tell you about the time my bedfellow for the evening was drunk and I was tired: he couldn’t get it up and I couldn’t be bothered to do a hell of a lot about it. He sort of tried to stick it in me, I was dry as Hovis Wheaten Crackers and he was not far from flaccid, so that obviously wasn’t happening, and after a few more attempts he fell asleep on top of me. And he smelt of beer. Without catching my breath I could also tell you about the time a combination of a blindfold and handcuffs, long, strong fingers and some extremely skilled oral attention made me come so long and so hard I couldn’t speak for twenty minutes afterwards. 

Those two experiences were not what they were because of who I was sleeping with. It wasn’t that the first guy was dynamite in bed, and the second, a no hoper, to be ditched pronto. Actually it was the same guy, just slightly different circumstances. It was this experience, amongst other things, which has fostered my pet theory that no one is inherently bad in bed. 

Has the spark gone?

So if you were totally up for it and then it all finishes in tears, awkwardness, or you never get to finish, what’s gone wrong? 

1: The other woman: Stella. 

We all know that too much alcohol means a guy isn’t going to be able to get it up and/or stay hard. Love our liquor though we ladies do, past a certain point, inebriation equals no sensation, so no matter how hard he is, or how hard he’s trying, concrete results are unlikely.  You will both be totally malcoordinated, smell, and might call the person you’re in bed with the wrong name, which I’m told is a total mood killer. A slightly sozzled smooch is a lovely thing, so why not leave it there? Or if you simply must, don’t expect any miracles (other than wine-into-water when, for the tenth time, they have to go to the loo).

2: They’re married – to their work.

We all work hard (no I know you don’t Land Economists. Sweeties: skip to the next paragraph). This means tiredness, stress, and distraction, none of which are conducive to all consuming, all-else-forgotten, all night long sex sessions. If this is the case, less is more, wait a little while ‘til they’re gagging for it, and you’ll be sure to have their full attention.

3: It’s not them, it’s you.

They’re not pressing your buttons? It may well be your fault. Few people are genuinely so cack handed that if they are told exactly what to do, and given lots of time to practice, they can’t do it. It’s sex, not quantum mechanics. If you’re not showing them what you want, expecting too much too soon, not being enthusiastic or not giving back, it may be no small wonder they don’t know what to do or simply don’t want to. 

Take a note from the Romans’ book: carpe diem –  this loosely translates as: “get a grip, stop feeling so bloody entitled and take the matter in hand”. Literally: take their hands and show them what you like.  Practice is the name of the game, especially if you’re new to each other’s bodies, keep communicating, keep trying, you’ll get there.

4: It’s them and you.

Maybe they’re scared. If it’s their first time, if it’s been a long time, if they have body issues, (and don’t we all?) if you’re older or more experienced than them, or maybe you just have really big teeth, sex can be nerve-wracking. 

Orgasm becomes much more difficult when tense, and over thinking sex means they won’t be as responsive to the non-verbal signals you’re giving off (so you’ll have less fun), or be as receptive to how it feels (so they’ll have less fun). Often reassurance is enough, perhaps some patience (it will get less scary. Unless it’s the big teeth thing, which is always scary.) When all else fails, get them to watch The Shining. After that, you will look like a pussycat.  

Olivia*, a curvy theologian, thinks she knows one caveat to this theory: “My ex, Tim… I don’t know where to begin. It was terrible. He used to come within seconds of entering me every single time. We tried everything. I remember once, mid penetration, he got that look on his face, and so we started discussing ants, yes, the insects, ants: how they coordinate group migration, whether we thought they had consciousnesses, just anything boring enough stop him coming. He was sexually competent in other ways, but I think there’s nothing for him other than medication”. 

Some people might already know how to do some generic things in bed that they learned from previous partners that at the very least make you orgasm. They might even know a trick or two that make you squirm. But I find that life’s finer pleasures are to be found when someone knows what it is that turns you on. A minority need a little help that only a qualified physician can give them. For the rest of us, all that is required is a bit of t.l.c. Go forth children, excellent sex awaits.

Stay safe, and enjoy the ride.

Xxx

Miss B

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Illustrations by Tasha Sales

*Names have been changed.