“I knew it. Months of furtive looks and well-placed guffaws were finally paying off. ‘So…’ he began, fluttering his camel-like eyelashes at me”
‘Mate’, cried The Tab’s out-going Lent-term editor, in his sonorous and strangely sensual voice, dropping from his lascivious lips onto my bountiful bouff a plethora of compliments from somewhere way up above the Jesus Lane Pizza Express.
‘Oi Oi’, I responded, keen to keep a low profile.
My response threw him somewhat, as did the size of my fringe and waist (large and slim-line respectively, thanking you). Nonetheless, he recovered his wits and bantered me up the stairs with the type of guile that could pull the wool over the eyes of an editor of The Sun. Oh wait…
Anyway, once upstairs, there was little else to do: the small talk had fallen flat, and this guy looked like he needed his tie loosening. My fingers were itching to relieve his Adam’s apple. ‘Let’s just cut to the chase, mate’, he purred.
I knew it. Months of furtive looks and well-placed guffaws were finally paying off. ‘So…’ he began, fluttering his camel-like eyelashes at me, ‘you fancy writing an article about the Lib Dems for me?’
‘I thought you’d never ask’, I gushed.
And so here we find ourselves. Yet it’s not the promise of sexual favours from members of The Tab’s editorial team that has secured my support for Nick Clegg’s party. I’m voting on principle and on policy.
My claim to be a working class hero might be shaky. My only real experience of doing anything that might come under that banner is working in a clothes shop over the summer, and even that’s probably pushing it. I was only there for three months, but even in that space of time they tried to fleece me. Usually, for workers’ rights, you might expect to turn to Labour; but the truth is that they have betrayed their roots: they sold out to the city when the power of the unions was broken. The Tories, as the BA strikes showed, have no concern for the rights of workers. All they care about is profits.
So, let’s turn to the Liberal Democrats. Their flagship policy to raise the income tax threshold to £10,000 will help to alleviate the pain felt by low and middle earners, and it will act as a positive encouragement to get people off benefits and back into work. This policy signals their commitment to those forgotten people on shop floors and factory product lines, who provide us all with a service under rudimentary working conditions and low wages. The Liberal Democrats are now the only credible party with workers’ rights in their minds, not to mention their policies.
Their policies on schools, directing money to those schools that educate the poorest children in our society, are not just laudable; they are radical in their restructuring of our social and moral priorities. Their commitment to scrap tuition fees is honest, and most importantly, fully costed. And their longstanding commitment to the environment is shown in their blueprint to kick-start our economy investing in green jobs, renovating old industrial sites and ports into the factories of the world’s green future. Their commitment to cleaning up politics and introducing the truly democratic proportional representation goes without saying.
They are truly the only party that dares to be radical, that dares to innovate, and that dares to say there is another way. It is for these reasons that I am proud to say I will vote for Julian Huppert, Cambridge’s Liberal Democrat candidate (and Fellow of Clare) on Thursday 6th May.
And, I looked my illustrious ex-editor deep in the eye and told him this.
And, he looked back at me. I don’t know whether it was the light, but I think I saw a spark in his eye.
'Take me’, he panted. ‘Take me to the polls. I’m voting Lib Dem too now, mate’.
It was ecstasy.