Robert Smith: Culture Vulture

ROB SMITH looks at the best cultural treats to trick a prospective sexual partner into thinking you’re sensitive this Valentine’s Day.

Culture2 Fairport Gallows Smith Take Me Out Valentine's Vulture youth

Last week I recommended this excellent spoof of the new Spiderman reboot as directed by Wes Anderson. Lo and behold the very same video appears as Varsity’s ‘Our Tube’ selection this week. Coincidence? Probably not. It seems that being the puppet of multi-national corporations must really drain them creatively.

Anyway it’s Valentine’s Day today and, although I couldn’t really care less, I realise that this event actually matters to some of you.  St Valentine was of course beaten to death and beheaded but apparently recreating this on small woodland creatures isn’t ‘romantic’. If you too struggle with the concept of romance then look no further because this week I have arranged the finest cultural treats Cambridge has to offer when tricking someone you want to exchange bodily fluids with into thinking that you are sensitive and caring.

Art: Lino Mannocci’s works are at the Fitzwilliam Museum this week. I’ve no idea what they’re like but the term ‘monotypes’ sounds suitably pretentious enough to impress the average Cambridge arts student.

Food and Drink: Everywhere seems to have a Valentine’s offer on today so you won’t struggle to impress. Loch Fyne’s Valentine’s menu looks perfect if you love the taste of fish (you can finish that joke yourself, I can’t be bothered). If it’s a first date DO NOT use a voucher. Nothing says cheap and desperate waste of skin like a piece of paper printed off Student Beans thrust into the hands of your waiter.

Music: If you’re trying to pull an aging fellow tonight then Fairport Convention are doing their folk thing at the Corn Exchange. For the more punk inclined, Gallows are playing the Junction tomorrow. If you want a happy medium between folk and punk then put on George Osborn’s brilliantly chosen Valentine’s Playlist, it’s bound to seal the deal.

Film: Fans of Michael Cera could take their prospective rutting mate to Youth in Revolt, rather than the more straightforward approach of going to the star-studded heap of mediocrity Valentine’s Day. If you really want to impress, however, Robinson film society are showing Antichrist tonight. Nothing says love like genital mutilation.

Television: Doug Stanhope’s advice on this week’s Newswipe may make you think twice about copulating at the end of your date tonight. Otherwise, you can’t go wrong with a bit of Take Me Out to get you in the Valentine’s mood.

Union: They’ve had their Valentine’s Ball already unfortunately but the Cocktail Workshop on Wednesday doesn’t sound like a bad follow up date if tonight goes well.