Top Ten Weird Fetishes

Tab founder Taymoor Atighetchi once told me he believed there was a fetish for everything. Until a week ago I disagreed. Then I discovered the man who had a sexual fetish for slurry.

Most fetishes and paraphilias are taboo, even if they are harmless. But what about the more ‘avant-garde’ cases? Opening the Pandora’s Box of sexual deviance is as simple as typing your darkest thoughts in to Google. For those who’d rather not visit the murky underworld of unlikely desires, here’s my top ten:

10. Vomit, Emetophilia

Emetophiles are individuals who are aroused by vomiting or watching others vomit. This rather messy fetish is becoming increasingly common, largely due to the popularity of viral videos like 2girls1cup.  Presumably a minority of 2girls1cup viewers did not experience the usual eye-watering horror, and simply thought “I want to see more.” Ironically, vomit porn is likely to cause its detractors to throw up.

Legality: Questionable.

Tab Says: “These people make me sick.”

 

9. Asphyxiation, Asphyxiophilia

A favourite of MPs and public schoolboys, the asphyxi-wank is less a fetish and more a means to an end. Nonetheless, asphyxiophilia is classed as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association “because it has the potential for lethality or serious injury.” According to Wikipedia, the idea for this practice most likely came from subjects who were executed by hanging. Observers at public hangings noted male victims developed an erection sometimes remaining after death and occasionally ejaculated when being hanged. Charming.

Legality: Just don’t do it to someone else.

Tab Says: “Knock yourself out…”

 

8. Stuffed Animals, Plushophilia

A ‘plushie’ (cute?) has a yearning for stuffed animals or people in animal costumes. Members of the ‘furry fandom’ community (that’s people who like stuffed animals) call sexual acts on cuddly toys ‘yiffing.’ One website advises that “someone who is into bestiality, but doesn't want to actually have sex with animals could also enjoy this fetish.”

Legality: Well your teddy isn’t going to tell anyone, is he?

Tab Says: “FURVERTS"

 

7. Insects, Formicophilia

This is deriving sexual pleasure from insects crawling on the body, specifically on the genitals. Ricky Gervais popularised this niche when he explained that lying in a bath and putting a wingless fly on the tip of the penis was “the best way to wank.” Hilariously, the website I found this fetish on argues that it is “more common in developing countries, perhaps because homes are infested with insects.” Yeah that’s right, blame it on the Third World…

Legality: Technically it’s animal cruelty, but who’s going to miss a few dragonflies?

Tab Says: “Having sex with creepy crawlies is just…creepy.”

 

6. Inanimate Objects, Objectum-Sexuality

We all remember that woman who married the Berlin Wall. Most people don’t know that the hussy then cheated on the Berlin Wall with a garden fence (apparently he hadn’t been himself since his big fall in 1989). According to The Daily Telegraph, There are around 40 people in the world who fancy inanimate objects and many of them suffer from Asperger's Syndrome.

Legality: Don’t get caught: One man was put on the sex offender’s register for having sex with a bicycle.

Tab Says: “How do you have sex with a bicycle?”

"What's in the bag?": Lars Laumann and her husband, The Berlin Wall.

 

5. Dead people, Necrophilia

No account of sexual deviance is complete without the godfather of all perversions: necrophilia. Well-known thanks to urban myths about ‘snuff porn,’ necrophilia has achieved almost paradigmatic status within the field of fucked-up fetishes. In the interests of good journalism, I went looking for some. My advice: steer clear.

Legality: If you need to ask then it’s probably too late for you.

Tab Says: “I’d rather die.”

 

4. Disasters, Symphorphilia

Next time you see some Vietnamese village being torn to shreds by a typhoon, think of the sick individual who’s thanking God for Sky+. Symphorphiles derive pleasure from disasters, both natural and human. There’s a worrying abundance of car crash fans on the web but thankfully relatively few sickos talking about tsunamis and terrorism.

Legality: That all depends if you’re the stay-at-home, CNN-watching type of disaster perv, or a fully-fledged, cave-dwelling sadist.

Tab Says: “More like Al-JIZZeera… (too far?)”

 

3. Birds, Avisodomy

Their ability to fly surely makes birds one of the most difficult fetishes to act on. For this reason, the rather immobile Turkey remains the most popular choice of bird for avisodomites. According to the Marquis de Sade this fetish could be found in 18th century Parisian brothels: “the girl holds the turkey's neck locked between her thighs, you have her ass straight ahead of you for prospect, and she cuts the bird's throat the same moment you discharge.” Crikey.

Legality: The RSPB might have something to say.

Tab Says: “HorrWRENdous”

 

2. Live Cannibalism, Vorarephilia
This fantasy of being eaten alive or eating something else alive. This fetish has two forms: soft and hard. ‘Soft vore’ is when someone is swallowed whole, without being chewed on. ‘Hard vore’ is the gruesome opposite.

Legality: Cannibalism is only legal if it is essential for saving your own life. Not your sex life.

Tab Says: “Hopefully this is just a flesh in the pan.”

 

1. Dinosaurs, Dinophilia

The Microsoft Word red squiggles underneath the word dinophilia tell me that I made this fetish up. I beg to differ: this fetish is just so rare it has yet to receive a Greek-sounding scientific name. If you don’t believe me, here’s a rather delightful clip of a woman sucking off two men dressed as pterodactyls.  (Warning: this is actual porn.)

Legality: Breaking into the natural history museum might cause you problems, but there are still hundreds of undiscovered dinosaur fossils without legal protection on the Isle of Wight.

Tab Says: “Neanderthal perverts.”