Council’s Ball-Ache

The Tab wades through the dross in Cambridge Council’s May Ball Handbook, explaining the anal new restrictions.

As reported exclusively by The Tab in June, Cambridge City Council have come down hard on traditional May Balls.

Weighing in at a hefty 83 pages, The May Ball Handbook aims to eradicate the complaints of a handful of anal local residents, and could spell the end of May Week as we know it.

The Tab has waded through the dross to compile an essential guide to enjoying May Week:

•    Make your marq: make sure there is a baffling distance of 6.06m between marquees before heading for the hog roast.

•    Throw some shapes: 6-8 feet of ‘dancing space’ must be provided for every raver.

•    Night fever: in a section fashionably titled ‘discoteques’, amplified bands after 1am ‘must be avoided whenever possible’; there must be no ‘amplified music’ after 3am.

•    Killjoys: the council come down hard on hypnotists, fire-jugglers and Chinese lanterns, with new safety measures that will make them too expensive for many poorer colleges.

Last year's balls were particularly blighted by council restrictions.

Ents at Jesus' Oz themed ball were silenced an hour and 20 minutes before the advertised end following complaints from curmudgeonly residents.

Magdalene too were handed the ultimatum of pipe down, or shut shop, choosing the former to the dismay of DJ act 'Scratch Perverts'.