Rating your plates: Bristol freshers’ most diabolical dinners so far

I’m sure five sausages, a cig and a Kronenbourg will get you through university just fine

As The University of Bristol welcomes it’s latest group of silly freshers, the endless poor attempts to cook meals continue.

This September has been a particularly harrowing month to be a follower of the Instagram account @uobscrans. From Orchard Heights to Stoke Bishop, accommodations are being plagued with diabolical dinners as the new first years deal with the daunting task of feeding themselves.

It’s troubling to think that these people managed to get into university but actually can’t boil pasta in a pan without harvesting some sort of biohazard. These first years are exposing their flatmates to fumes for weeks as it rots away on a plate in the corner begging to be washed up. In addition to providing dangerous fumes they also supply some very comedic pictures.

1) Minions in a can

Credit: @uob_scrans

Starting off surprisingly strong. I can only imagine what a delight this was to eat. It’s all about balance and this proves food can be both nutritional and fun.

2) Stew?

Credit: @uob_scrans

Who actually wakes up, knowing they have free will, and chooses to cook themselves anything that resembles a stew? They obviously weren’t traumatised by the slow cooker enough while living at home.

3) Block of pasta

Credit: @uob_scrans

I know exactly what this poor portion of pasta has been through. Leaving pasta in the fridge is a risky game to play. It will only be a matter of time before it morphs itself into the shape of the container and also begins to taste a bit like plastic too.

4) Chicken spaghetti

Credit: @uob_scrans

I HATE this. The slimy grey pile of poultry on that plate is terrible. To make things worse,  the hand in the shot makes it so obvious that this person is stood in their shared kitchen shredding chicken off the bone with their bare hands like an animal. This is feral behaviour.

5) Fish finger soup

Credit: @uob_scrans

Ok hear me out… I would probably eat this. Something about the tomato soup and fish finger combo is alluring to me. The person who made this must have some sort of culinary calling. If this was you I think you have some really good potential and could really rock the world with your creations.

6) Unknown frozen food

Credit: @uob_scrans

This is so impressive. How on earth did they manage to get that out of the container in one piece? Did they have to break through the plastic to achieve this?

Despite being completely awe-inspiring to look at, I don’t think I can get over how much sweetcorn seems to be in it. You do realise what that’s going to look like when it comes out the other side?

7) Egg in a hole

Credit: @uob_scrans

Someone’s been watching too many life-hack videos. Maybe stick to the basics before you start getting creative with your cooking. I don’t think that egg is cooked very well.

Also, I hope you still ate the bit of bread you cut out the middle. We can’t afford to be creating food waste in a cost of living crisis.


Credit: @uob_scrans

There’s no way this fresher isn’t on steroids. Look at the size of that bicep, it surely can’t be natural. All the food groups other than protein are irrelevant anyway. I’m sure five sausages, a cig and a Kronenbourg will get you through university just fine.

9) Mash volcano

Credit: @uob_scrans

Another fun one. I love that the freshers are trying to heal their inner child. So cute. My only critique is that this scene would benefit from some greenery. Maybe add a broccoli tree.

10) Student accom sink special

Credit: @uob_scrans

Obviously after all that Michelin Star worthy cooking going on there’s going to be a lot of washing up. Maybe the person who’s brave enough to fish all the food out of the sink can eat it as a reward. It probably wont taste any worse than the food these freshers are feeding themselves anyway.

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