This is every type of Bristol Uni girl condensed into a starter pack

Oh, but you thought you were SO different

We’ve worked out every single Bristol boy in 11 questions, called out every starter pack walking down Hampton Road. Girls, if you thought you were safe from the merciless roast of The Bristol Tab, think again.

Oh, you’ve got a pretty unique style huh? Oh, you thought you were different? You’re a Bristol student, I promise you’re not.

Don’t get your velour juicy couture trackies in a twist sweetie we’re just telling the truth. Which starter pack do you fall into?

Olivia Neil’s protégés

Pastel coloured tops, Motel Rocks trousers, immaculately highlighted hair, you do look pretty cool, and pretty much the same as everyone else, too. You’re either a genuine angel, or you look down your nose at the waiter who’s serving you and the girlies brunch.

A once over from your barista and he knows you’re about to order an oat milk latte. A once over from a dealer and he knows he can charge you £60 for a gram. Where’d you get your gold jewellery from though? How come it never tarnishes? Is this what you discuss over your eggs royale? The gold mining industry?!?

Definitely the waviest girls from Hampstead

Whilst it may sound like a group of chain-smoking 60 year old pub dwellers, if you hear an orchestra of raspy voices, it’s actually the North London girls. Run. They’re all riled up and on a power trip after selling a charity shop top on Depop for £80, show any sign of weakness and you’ll receive a HEFTY violation.

They’re the lions of the animal kingdom at uni, partly because they are terrifying but also because they literally say “rah”. These gals have complete monopoly in the smoking area. You’re always gonna be outnumbered by them; you’re simply a gazelle to feast upon. One of them once asked me if I learnt to roll yesterday. Still haven’t recovered.

Dresses like the boys she fancies

She looks like she’s come to fix your plumbing at seven but will break your heart at eight. Think cargos, and a massive chain that also doubles as a leash if you become at all romantically involved with her. Completely spins the “male manipulator” trope on its head. The equivalent of the boy who says American Psycho is his favourite film. Except her favourite film is Gone girl and she’s taking notes on how to frame you for murder in a cunning and elaborate plot.

Has probably read all of Sylvia Plath’s work and loves Virginia Woolf almost as much as she loves Golden Virginia. Only way to combat these girls is by daring them to do No Nicotine November. If she’s got Neutral Milk Hotel in her Spotify playlist, don’t stop to scope out her quirkiness; just run for the hills.

So angsty, Sally Rooney could write a whole novel about you

You say that you’re fine but deep down, deep deep down, I know your Doc Martens are giving you blisters. You spend your days wandering round the art gallery rolling liquorice rizla fags and communicating ineffectively with some guy that you’re trying to mould into your very own Connell (he’s not complex and mysterious, he’s just boring). And then in the evening, it’s time to take out your hair claw, empty your tote bag of books you haven’t read, and pour yourself a glass of wine (strictly red) for a soiree with the girls.

But make sure you keep the bottles so you can put candles in and light them when you’re cooking some Saino’s linguine with a vegan sauce! And for some fucking reason you can take care of a million house plants but not yourself. A cig and coffee for breakfast is NOT enough to fuel your edge!

UBNC 1s/2s, 3s/4s

You strike the fear of God in me. Won’t catch me dead in Gravity on a Wednesday night for fear of the netball girls. Rumour has it they don’t actually practice for their matches, they just gather in the toilets with their weird social themed costumes and sacrifice freshers. If you want to participate in organised sport but also want to live, just join intramural. I’m not bitter at all that I didn’t make it into the competitive squad.

Girl boss, gatekeep, gaslight

Someone watches Grace Beverly’s videos!! I wish you would rest girl, you’re giving me second-hand exam stress and we’re only halfway through TB1. Looking like a girlboss is easy, actually doing your law work isn’t.

Are you really having a café study session or are you just super caffeinated, wearing a leather blazer and making a plan of the work you’re meant to be doing? Your schedule is completely full to the max, partly because you’re genuinely that busy but also as an anxious coping mechanism so that you are stimulated at all times to avoid having a single thought.

Nerd lol

Catch these girls in the comfort and safety of the Pinterest board that is the Senate Living Room at all times. Whilst she may be a nerd she’s the most genuine and nice girl you’ll meet at uni. She’ll reply to people who ask questions on the subject group chat and will happily share her notes with you. She’s done her reading, sat not quite at the front of the lecture hall, but close enough to show that she is indeed a very eager beaver.

State school educated and smarter than anyone who went to a private school. 93% club REPRESENT. Her fatal flaw, her hamartia, if you will, is that she’s deathly afraid of accidentally plagiarising her work. Shy, but strong willed enough that they haven’t crumbled under the power of Bristol fashion; keep rockin’ Topshop sis.

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