We’ve worked out every Bristol girl you are going to get off with this term and in which club

You’re welcome x

2 years ago

First we told you which boys you are going to get off with this term, now we’ve gone one further. Not only have we worked out every Bristol girl you’ll fall for before Christmas, but we can also tell you exactly which club it’s going to happen in.

Interpret this list how you wish, just remember that girls have better stalking skills than the FBI. Mess her around or lead her on? Then make sure to avoid the Pret A Manger on Queens Road like the plague.

Oh and girls, if you’re offended by any of these, it is probably because it’s you.

The girl who thinks it’s cool to act working class

Club you’ll get with her in: Lakota

This girl will stroll into uni with a broken Dell laptop to make her seem like she is more “relatable” and down to earth when really Daddy probably has Jeff Bezos saved as a phone contact.

Don’t be fooled by the weathered attire; that Ralphy jumper she is wearing is in fact brand new, not just “a random steal from the Sue Ryder on Park Street” (like anyone would ever believe that).

This is the girl who most definitely has a triple-barrelled surname, a hefty trust fund, and a maid at home but would never allow her Tory roots to slip their way into Bristol’s “urban” territory. She will constantly tell you she has “literally only 89p” in her bank account as if it were an anecdote, then on the same day, you find her at The Ivy enjoying the fourth meal out of the week.

The classic edgy Bristol girl

Club you’ll get with her in: Mr Wolfs

Most definitely a film student, this quirky girl will change her hair a different shade of candyfloss pink every week and you will never see her in lectures without her nose ring in place and a trusty pair of Docs.

She will most likely expect long existential chats after you sleep with her, but god forbid you let slip you did not vote Green, you missed the COP26 rally on College Green and you still eat meat. Don’t for one second think she won’t hesitate to whack your clothes and belongings on Depop before you’ve woken up.

The hardcore raver girl

Club you’ll get with them in: Motion

Your love will probably blossom in the smoking area during a rave at Motion as you both mourn over Blue Mountain and try to pinch rizlas off one another. This girl will not be seen wearing anything but bum bags, trackies, or a bucket hat so will be nice and easy to spot.

You will most likely end up at a random afters in Stokes Croft which you both don’t remember, pretending to like her new release on Soundcloud in the hope that she’ll get with you.

The Fiat 500 girl

Club you’ll get with her in: Pryzm

Never seen without a North Face puffer and a pair of see-through black flares, this girl’s entire personality is based on knowing every single word to Kanye’s Gold Digger on the cheesy floor of Pryzm.

Even though she’ll fall flat on her face at just one sniff of Echo Falls, don’t be fooled. She will be the first to tell her new “besties” in the toilets all about how toxic you are because you dared to like another girl’s insta.

Although she sends you snapchats with the dog filter, texts you lock and key emojis unironically, and constantly tweets about how much she is “really craving a Chinese tonight”, she’s got a total heart of gold.

The hockey girl

Club you’ll get with her in: Do I even need to specify?

If you’re a fellow sportsman, there is no doubt that you will have locked eyes (or tongues) with your fair share of sports girls. These are the girls who frequent Gravity so much they need a loyalty card as well as a slightly more sober mate to tell them not to get with that hockey lad again. I promise you he really does not look better in person than he does on his socials.

Remember, she is likely to play you at your own game; if she confessed her love for you one Wednesday, it was probably the vodka cranberry talking and she’ll be onto your captain next week.

The outwardly ‘rah’ girl

Club you’ll get with her in: Lizard Lounge- Clifton clubs only darling

Don’t worry about trying to scout out this girl, as you will be able to hear her bellowing “rah, where’s my baccy” all the way from Bath.

She definitely won’t date you unless your name is Tarquin, you have a mullet, or you drive a Range Rover (or all three). You also do not stand a chance of getting past first base if you don’t live in a townhouse in South Ken or own an estate in Surrey.

“Oh, so you didn’t have a gap yaaaah?”

The pick me girl

Club you’ll get with them in: Wherever the boys go/skipping the club to attempt ten before ten at Cori Tap

Can be found slagging off her girl best mates to a large group of rugby lads outside Donnervans telling them she’s “just not like other girls” because other girls are just “way too much drama”.

You are bound to fall in love with this girl instantly as you mistakenly think she is “one of the boys” because she only drinks Red Stripes rather than cocktails, but don’t be fooled, this girl knows exactly what she is doing.

Believe it or not, she is not “wearing no make-up”, she isn’t really interested in the football results and yes, she did actually make a very big effort for this party just so you would pay her a compliment.

The nice girl

Club you’ll get with them in: Lola Los

Last but certainly not least, the girl we all wish we were more like; the BNOC for all the right reasons.

Now, this girl does not get with just anyone. If she makes time for you in between her successful balancing of extra-curricular activities on top of her degree, a part-time job, and fulfilling social life- then you must be doing something right.

Just remember, if this girl does let you take her to The White Lion for a drink and you decide to ghost her, trust that she has a large network of friends who will continue to hound you for the rest of your uni days.