An ode to the legends who steal traffic cones on a night out
We salute you for your righteous protest
It’s been a long night. After hours of partying whilst VK’d off of your nips, you and the lads finally decide to stagger home.
As you amble up the old familiar streets to your respective dwellings, you spot something out of the corner of your eye that lets you know that the night-time antics have only just begun.
A glistening fluorescent PVC barricade; a must-have piece of household decor to make every disgusting student house a home; the perfect head garment that turns every mere mortal into a wizard. The traffic cone.
Without a second thought, you scoop it into your open arms and claim it as your own. “The pedestrians will be fine!” you bellow, running down the back alleys, neon trophy in hand.
As you fall through the front door, dragging your beloved memento into the kitchen, you smile to yourself in the knowledge that it didn't matter you didn’t manage to bag a bird tonight- you’re gonna wake up next to a hot piece of cone at the end of your bed.
But what is so satisfying about this piece of road equipment? Is it because nowadays it seems nothing in life is for free?
With tuition fees at an all time high, raised interest rates kicking your future self up the backside and banana prices on the rise, the traffic cone is not simply the product of misguided drunken antics.
It is about claiming back what has been unjustly taken from you and sticking it to the man. So to all those muggers, thieves, bandits and cone crooks we salute you for your righteous protest.
Yet with all household trophies comes a Trojan Horse. According to The Road Traffic Act 1998, If caught culprits could face a fine up to £5,000 or a 6 month sentence, and community service for minor offences. So don’t play yourself, steal safe, and put it back xx
Disclaimer: The Tab does not condone acts of theft.