How to have a Superbowl party
Everyone else will talk about it anyway
February is here, and that means two things. One, you can stop pretending doing Dry January was a good idea. And two, it’s Superbowl time.
It doesn’t matter if your team made it to the final. It doesn’t matter if your team never stood a chance. Hell, it doesn’t even matter if you don’t have a team. The Superbowl is only 20 per cent about the sport actually being played.
The rest breaks down into 20 per cent drinking, 20 per cent eating, 20 per cent taking the piss out of how over the top the whole thing is and 15 per cent secretly loving how over the top the whole thing is.
That extra five per cent is the small part of you hoping for another Halftime Show nipple slip.
Do a bit of research
Even if you don’t follow the sport, you’ll wanna know something about the guys playing.
The Seattle Seahawks. Last year they won and now they’re trying for a second title.
The New England Patriots. This team is so good they managed to make it another Superbowl. And this year with less cheating than ever.
Sure they rigged the footballs by deflating them. But compared to when they were caught videotaping other teams’ training sessions that’s nothing. It’s like an ex-murderer retiring and only doing a bit of light armed robbery on the weekends.
Dress for it
If you have any kit, wear it. My team got blown out in the first round of the playoffs by their arch rival (presumably just to fuck with me for staying up until 3am).
But I’m still going to be rocking my team strip. The underpaid sweatshop children who made the clothes didn’t slave over them, just so I could make a tit out of myself in something else.
Besides, how often is it socially acceptable to wear Pittsburgh Steelers pyjamas in public?
Invite someone who knows as much/more about American Football than you
By inviting another fan along you make sure that there’s someone there who’ll understand why you’re shouting “Oh my God. Personal foul. PERSONAL FOUL”.
Hopefully he’ll even join in. After all, one grown man yelling at a TV screen because someone he’ll never meet blocked someone else he’ll never meet might look silly.
Plus, if you sit them next to non-fans they’re the one who gets stuck explaining the rules all night.
This game is a time for excess. If you don’t believe me consider that before the match there is a coin toss ceremony. A whole ceremony. Harvey Dent wouldn’t be this obsessed over coins.
This ceremony comes complete with a specially minted coin and jets that leave red, white and blue vapour trails flying overhead. Not the New York Jets. They have about the same chance of playing in the Superbowl that I have.
Vapour-cumming the stars and stripes onto the sky itself. For a coin toss.
Last year America ate 1.23 Billion chicken wings while watching the Superbowl. So, unless you eat 1.24 Billions chicken wings, don’t feel bad for gorging.
If nothing else succeeds, just play drinking games. Here are a few suggestions:
Drink a shot for every innuendo in the commentary
Drink a shot every time the English commentators on Sky look like they have no idea what they’re doing.
Drink a finger every time Richard Sherman is awesome. If you don’t know who Richard Sherman is, just keep an eye out for the player giving minuscule about of fucks.
Down a pint every time you hear an audible whistle as air escapes the Patriots’ footballs.
Enjoy your Superbowl party. And remember, fuck the Patriots.