Which is the worst club in Belfast?

Belfast is known for many thing’s in its history, like interfaith community divides and draconian licensing laws. What it is not know for, however, is the quality of it’s clubs. Case in point:

Limelight

I would hasten to bet that there’s a high chance that this was the place you got your first meet. Limelight is innocent and pure and you have a lot of great memories there. And you’ll be able to relive them all as they’ve been playing the same fucking songs since you were fourteen. If you’re more of a sadist however, you can take a trip into limelight 2 and watch the slow, agonising death of Belfast’s emo scene right before your very eyes.

Villa

Villa’s big draw is 90p drinks. That’s just under 5p for every minute you will spend queing up to get them. And that’s ignoring the forty-five minute wait to get in during which the pre drinks wore off and you smoked all your fegs. Some times cheap drink isn’t everything.

Thompsons

The heart was stolen from Thompsons many years ago. Once it was the sort of place you were afraid of. Heavy techno, grimy floors, and smicks filled with more e’s than they could count. The fact it was down an alley that on any normal night you would completely avoid just added to it’s charm. And while many of these nice lads still frequent Thompson’s (and they are fairly friendly), the place is now running over with posh kids from Grammar Schools dressed as if they were scum-bags. Smick chic is in. Cassie from the Malone Road’s just bought an Addidas jacket and a two quid nike cap from Sports Direct. She’s a proper legend now.

The Fly

Mate, do you even GAA?

Aether and Echo

It’s pretty much just Thompsons with more hipsters now isn’t it? And let’s be honest, it’s an attic someone’s set up a pair of decks in.

Shine

Again Shine’s another place that’s been taken by the elite. There once was a day when you’d see no heel higher than those Nike Air Max’s with the bubble. Now girls go dressed as if there out for a ket heavy night in El Divino. And let’s be honest, none of us really like techno as much as we’re letting on.

El Divino

Speaking of El Divino, this club is notable for being one of the only clubs in Belfast with a legitimate caste system. There’s the top teir. For the people who paid 500 pound to be allowed on stage with a dj that dooes weddings on the week nights. Then there’s the VIP level. Filled with seventeen year olds from Down getting bottle service and sneering at the other people in VIP who didn’t shell out enough to get a table. Then threes the pleb level. Filled with fellas dressed in their best impression of the Peacocks Autumn catalogue and girls who are insecure they didn’t achieve a higher caste.

Box

The only thing cheaper than the drinks in Box are the girls that go there.

Society

Has anyone actually ever gone here? I mean seriously. If you have ever gone there I will buy you a drink. No joke. Send photographic evidence to [email protected]

Gypsy Lounge

File this beside Aether in the category of “Attic someone’s put decks in.”

Speakeasy

In all fairness, Speakeasy is by fair the best Friday night in Belfast when you where 12. But you’re not twelve any more. And every night you go there you realise that you’re one week closer to leaving university and entering the real world at which point going to a students union after graduating is an activity as frowned upon as murder-suicide or people who clap when planes land. They probably should just knock it down.

Upstairs at the Bar With No Name

Stop trying to make this a thing, it’s not going to happen. Also whoever designed the interior/exterior of that place could use it as evidence for a DLA claim.

Ollie’s

See El Divino + actual wealth.

Chinawhite

Perhaps the most ill advised of all Belfast clubs. A high class club for wealthy, over-twenty five year old socialites? Sounds great, doesn’t it? And then you remember we live in Belfast, with an inner city population of just over 250,000 and an average salary of £21,000 and you see where there might be problems. I actually used to work in Chinawhite and things got so dire at one point that we had to give out free Jaeger and Heineken just to get people to go. Occasionally country boys who had just come up to go to any club in Belfast would unluckily find themselves in Chinawhite and nearly shit themselves when i’d tell them their red bull and vodka would cost £8.10.Maybe things have got better, but I sure as hell won’t be going to find out. (And you can pump as much money and “class” into it as you want, we’ll always know you used to be Eivissa and would fire drinks directly into people’s mouths with a super soaker)

Beat Connection at Lavery’s

Actually, it’s pretty cool in all fairness.

So there you have it, everything I hate about every club in Belfast. If you’re feeling worked up just remember, it’s only an article by some guy on the internet you don’t know and never will, and they’re only clubs. So relax, vote for which one you think is the worst and have a drink. Maybe at Villa, I hear it’s pretty cheap there.