Just some silly predictions about the new Love Islanders, based on episode one alone

After three years, winter Love Island lurched back onto our screens last night. And despite her best efforts, and she did a good job, not even the breath of fresh air charismatic beauty of Maya Jama could drag the premiere out of boring territory. That isn’t a slant on the season yet, not really. I could not tell you one first episode of this show that I’ve enjoyed – everyone knows we need a week for the dust to settle before the good stuff sizzles up in that South African sun. One thing I do take pleasure in on day one, however, is making a load of ridiculous predictions based on nothing but that all important first hour. So here are predictions about the new Islanders from winter Love Island 2023 based on their first impressions alone!

 Anna-May – The fan fave

Anna-May has that nice girl energy that I feel like viewers will just want to protect at all costs. Like, you just can’t imagine her being controversial or nasty at any time throughout the show. Someone’s going to break her heart at Casa and the world will be up in arms. Mark my words!

Haris – Biggest fuck boy

Our little Doncaster TV salesman is a smiling assassin, I fear. Last night he spent the episode saying he’d never had his girlfriend, only for a woman claiming to be his ex girlfriend post videos all over social media of them on holidays and dates. Big yikes.

Shaq – Most likely to invent a word we’ll all be saying

I can really imagine the catchphrases coming already tbh.

Tanyel – Thinks she’s Ekin-Two

I feel like Tanyel has strolled in thinking she’s the next God-Su, but I hate to say it: She doesn’t have the vernacular she thinks she possesses. God-Su is camp, and Tanyel loves Piers Morgan. They are not the same.

Olivia – Is the actual Ekin-Two

Scared shitless of this icon, who stormed in there with endless confidence and a face that gives her mood away perfectly. Great reality TV to come I do fear.

Ron – The love of my life for the next 10 weeks

Nah. I feel so sly for writing off this king for his shit necklace in his promo picture – he is outrageously and illegally sexy. His cockney geezer accent and buzzcut? I’m down bad. I am sat.

Lana – Most likely to steal the 50k

She’s sus…

Kai – Most likely to be in the final

There’s no way anyone this fit is going anywhere anytime soon.

Tanya – Most likely to switch it up at Casa

Look, everyone was saying her and Shaq has hit it off majorly but I really got the vibe Shaq is way more into her than she is him. I have a bad feeling, you guys.

Will – Most likely to be the one who gets up and makes everyone a coffee to make sure they’re ready for the morning

The Curtis Pritchardification of Love Island lads. Of all the winter Love Island predictions for 2023, it’s this I’d put the most money on. I also think he’ll be out first – and ITV will have secured their little farmer lad TikTokker for nowt. Ahh well!

Love Island 2023 continues at 9pm on ITV2 and ITVX. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.

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