VOTE: Once and for all, who is officially the worst character on Gossip Girl?
Turns out they all kinda suck
In all likelihood, when you first watched Gossip Girl back in the heyday of 2009, you actually liked a fair few of the characters. We were in the throes of the Jack Wills, coloured tights and pearl headbands era, after all – and every single character embodied the trends of these times perfectly. We still looked up to people purely on the basis of wealth (i.e being rich was like… super cool back then? Hold my vom) and were living a significantly less woke reality.
But in 2020, 13 years since the show first aired, we’re a little more enlightened than we used to be. Enlightened enough to realise that Chuck legit tries to date rape Jenny in the first episode, and that actually every Gossip Girl character is a… massive knob?
Obviously this comes with the territory. I’m not saying we ever expected the Gossip Girl characters to uphold a moral standard, considering the Netflix description of the show was once literally “Rich, unreasonably attractive private school students do horrible, scandalous things to each other. Repeatedly.” Fair from Netflix. So no, they were never going to be good people, but our little 13-year-old selves thought they were still very hip and definitely super cool. Growing up you realise even this isn’t true, and you can hardly sit through a scene with the blandest of characters (*cough* Serena *cough*) without wanting to pluck your own eyelashes out. Sorry about that mental image but genuinely all the characters just low key fucking suck.
But here’s the question on everyone’s lips (now that I have planted this horrible seed in your brains because you definitely weren’t thinking about it before): who sucks the most? It’s time to vote and crown the absolute worst of them all. Before you do, though, here’s a reminder of all the shit we had to put up with – to refresh your memories of all the characters’ worst qualities.
Ugh, Little J. Fully the character you just hate to watch on account of the terrible, terrible decisions she makes. The only good thing Jenny did in the whole time she appeared on Gossip Girl was shagging Chuck because at least there was some good quality DRAMA. Controversial but I was just super tired of watching her steal dresses and sew shit.
Jenny also gets extra annoying points because Taylor Momsen made the Gossip Girl creators tailor her character to Taylor’s strange irl sex punk raccoon persona, turning Little J into The Pretty Reckless over the course of one season without ANY of our agreement.
Brother of Little J, Little D (aptly named – why did Chuck never use this blatant zinger against him?) was the biggest white knight simp loser out there. He literally gave HIMSELF the title of Lonely Boy and all he ever did was talk about books and writing and loving girls who didn’t love him back bllleeeeeugh. Also, he LITERALLY got cucked. Like literally. By Georgina. Remember that? When he had a baby? And he still managed to run Gossip Girl amidst being a father? Ridiculous behavior.
Plus, Dan acted all softboi but really had a taste for rich Upper East side girls and denied it THE WHOLE TIME. I’m sorry Dan but I’m not believing your ickle poor boy street urchin persona when you live in a $1mil loft in central Brooklyn and have a dating history that includes literal movie stars. Am I taking these characters too personally and acting like they’re real people? Yes. Do I plan to stop? No! Onto the next contender.
Tried to rape Jenny in first ep. Was quite literally evil. Played mind games with people for fun and used the “my daddy hurt me soooOoOoo much I’m sorry I’m so mean uwu” excuse to get us to all fall for it. And we did. Not okay!!!
Was just HORRIBLE. I know she’s one of the ones that has aged best as a character (i.e doesn’t piss me off in every scene), but in a realistic sense she’s… the worst? Like if this girl was in your school and behaved the way she does in the show you’d really consider committing her to some kind of institution for help with her psychopathy. Blair and Chuck were irl Johnny Depp and Amber Heard and we all hate them now, so use your eyes to see that these two ALSO suck!
Serena Van Der Blandsen
BOOOOOOO. This gal only managed to captivate our interest for six seasons because she had good hair and that’s the truth. Serena is actually deeply, deeply annoying. It’s hard to immediately notice it on first watching because the narrative of the show paints her as being so amazing, but when you boil down Serena’s character you don’t get much. Wild party girl but she’s… not wild, or a party girl anymore? Really chill and loose and cool but also must be romantically attached to a male character at ALL times. Serena is a disappointment to Lily Bass/Van Der Woodsen/Rhodes for not being more interesting, there I said it.
Also, her storylines are just… arduous. Always in some kinda difficult situation of her own making with one or more mediocre men. Gets married in Spain, falls for a boy’s pyramid scheme, dates the literal owner of Gossip Girl for most of the series – come on Serena. Woe is me, poor Serena, I am so troubled! My life is in a state of constant turmoil! At some point, you gotta start thinking, what is the common denominator in all of these situations? YOU. It’s you, Serena!!!
Nathaniel “Nate” Archibald is the most beige human to exist in the history of all humanity. The reverse Midas, everything he touched became beige. Every love triangle, storyline, or character arc. Try as they may, Gossip Girl creators just could not forge him a personality even though they had six seasons to do so. And they tried so hard. He was the victim of fraud and insider trading, had really bad daddy issues, was poor for a bit (big deal in Gossip Girl world), developed a thing for older women, became a journalist, the list goes on. The people writing Nate really sat down every season and though “right what can we do to elicit the tiniest bit of non-boring content out of this boy?” and never managed it. So, in the end, they just said fuck it and made him MAYOR OF NEW YORK. Sorry, what.
Genuinely the only character in this list that will actually prompt me to skip the scenes they appear in. Vanessa was never anything bad, but she was never anything good either – she was just meh. This is partly because she was done the disservice of being assigned as best friend to Dan and love interest to Nate, two men who work as literal black holes to good content, sucking everything in and crushing it, making it void. Vanessa was the Brooklyn version of Serena. A special mix of Brooklyn Bland, with too many bracelets and necklaces to make up for her lack of character.
JUST GO AWAY. STOP MESSING WITH LILY. YOU ARE A DAD IN A BAND. THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE GOING FOR YOU. YOU’RE NOT EVEN THAT FIT. Seriously, I cannot explain how much I do not care about the relationship storylines of the mothers and fathers in Gossip Girl. The only use they have is prompting wedding episodes where I get to see the rest of the cast in nice dresses and suits. That’s all. And Rufus is one of the biggest parental offenders: always around, always messing Lily (who is FAR too good for him) about, always talking unnecessary shit about waffles. Shut up Eleven from Stranger Things go cry and play guitar or something.
Okay, she was fun in season one. Really good climax for the storyline of Serena’s misdeeds and subsequent dip outta NYC: Georgina Sparks was mean girl incarnate. But then they made her a born again Christian, then mean again, then she took over Gossip Girl, then she had a baby, then there was something to do with blackmail and Russians. Everything was a bit long by the end and I didn’t get any joy from seeing that kohl eyeliner clad nasty gal on screen anymore. You could say she… lost her spark.
Lily Van Der Woodsen
A personal fave but deserves a mention because she made us sit through that 80s flashback episode that I have to skip every time. Also has notably terrible taste in men.
Ivy Dickens/Charlie Rhodes/What even was this storyline
I don’t need to say anything here, this chick was just pure ridiculous.
Eric Van Der Woodsen
Inoffensive, nothing really wrong with Eric, but he and Jenny were always quarreling too much for my liking. Should have just stuck with his nice boyfriends and ditched Little J as soon as she got those bad bangs and things started going downhill and getting aggressively more knee-high-boot-and-eyelinery.
This dickhead! I know I’ve said my fair shit about Blair but he was a sneaky little snake in a Prince’s clothes and I don’t appreciate his attitude. Bottom of the pile. Take him away boys.
Nothing bad to say. Not even including her in the vote as an option just wanted to remind everyone that she is great and making her Gossip Girl would have been a far better ending thanks and goodnight.
VOTE NOW XOXO YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO, GOSSIP GORL