The 10 cringe grads you’ll inevitably see on LinkedIn

Did you know the vision of hell as a fiery pit of unending pain wasn’t a thing until Dante wrote about it in his Divine Comedy? How hell is depicted varies from medium to medium, but people always come back to the fiery demon-infested version of it. But Dante probably had no idea a worse hell would one day arrive in the form of a social media site designed to connect professionals – LinkedIn.

Truly LinkedIn is the worst thing ever invented. It’s where people present the worst and most boring versions of themselves – real talk scrolling through the LinkedIn news feed makes me physically sick. Now that summer’s here and the grads have been birthed from the womb of their undergraduate degrees, they’ve all come flocking to LinkedIn in the vein hope posting frequently on there will magically bestow upon them the one holy balm they need to escape their hell: a job.

Regrettably LinkedIn is not the means to an end you think it is. It’s a wretched end unto itself. These are the worst and most cringe people you’ll find on there.

1. The one who posts their diss grade

In lieu of doing any work experience during their time at university, these guys post excruciatingly detailed breakdowns of their every module result, diss grade, and overall degree score under the woefully misguided illusion that anyone at all cares. They’ll tell you how many hundreds of hours of work went into their dissertation about a poem and probably even tag their diss supervisor. Your diss pic belongs on Instagram, mate. Leave it out.

Most cringe line from their bio: Delighted to have been awarded a first! Can’t wait to start my master’s.

2. The eternal intern

You have to hand it to the eternal intern, they embody the grind and cynicism of LinkedIn to a “t”. It doesn’t matter they spent a week organising filing cabinets at daddy’s law firm, they’ll put “legal assistant” in their employment history because honestly who’s gonna check? They’re forever posting about the latest internship they’ll be doing and massively overegging how much they’ve been allowed to do. 

Most cringe line from their bio: Spent a week providing vital assistance to Stergen and Bergen lawyers and learning the intricacies of how legal teams operate.

3. The coach

@jamiepkeelingCV’s that work! ##cv ##jobinterviewtips ##jobinterview ##getajob ##howto ##toptip ##lifeadvice ##lifetips ##learnontiktok ##employee ##unemployed ##gamechanger♬ original sound – jamiepkeeling

“I managed to get interviews at 25 of the top firms in the world including KPMG and Google.  I’ve made a TikTok to show you how to do it. First you’ve got to stalk the LinkedIn profiles of 3,000 employees across all the firms, send them a message to introduce yourself and ask them what the job is like. If you keep sending them daily messages they’ll eventually give in and intro you to someone in the firm who can interview you. That’s how you get interviews at big companies. Oh, I’m still waiting to hear back from all of them but I’m sure I’ve got in somewhere because rise and grind baby!!!”

Most cringe line from their bio: My story begins growing up as the child of two entrepreneurs that started a business from a cleaner cupboard the day I was born.

4. The Medium blogger

Describes themselves as a “freelance writer” and routinely shares posts from The Guardian with the caption “this is excellent journalism.” Writes hot takes about the government’s handling of the pandemic on their blog, where they occasionally review old Arctic Monkeys albums. Always reaching out to their connections for opportunities when they’re not typing into the search bar “how do I become editor of The Daily Telegraph?”

Most cringe line from their bio: I have an innate love of the written word and it’s led me to work for many literature-based organisations.

5. The performative liker

Responsible for 90 per cent of the garbage on your feed, all these guys do is “celebrate” posts where a brand uses environmentally friendly packaging or “inventive use of social media” in an ad campaign. It’s the kind of toxic year 7 energy of that kid in your class who would say “yes” whenever they got a question right.

Most cringe line from their bio: I have a tenacious appetite for learning and am always acquiring new skills.

6. The over-sharer

The LinkedIn equivalent of people who fish for likes on Twitter or confessions pages, these post authors write needlessly bleak and personal essays about overcoming adversity that seem unfeasible at best and made-up at worst. That doesn’t matter when it’s #motivationmonday though. They are forever destined to wind up on The State of LinkedIn.

Most cringe line from their bio: “Of all the wonders of the world, the horizon is the greatest” – Freya Stark.

7. The cheerleader

Easily the best person on LinkedIn. Managed to land a job where they don’t really need to use it at all. When they do it’s to bolster their mates. Big fans of the preset phrases: “Congrats, Jarred!”

Most cringe line from their bio: They didn’t bother with a bio.

8. The walking talking CV

The performativity is strong with this one. Whether they’re talking about that time they were a treasurer for the netball club or that time they worked behind the SU bar, they will somehow find a way to write about how they learnt the values of teamwork and communication from it. This lot behave like their every word online is being surveyed by a fleet of non-existent potential interviewers and it’s excruciating.

Most cringe line from their bio: Actively looking for work experience and internships.

9. The total mess who now has a surprisingly legit job????

Spent every day at uni either pissed or hungover. You imagined you’d watch them head off for a year of travelling or something but somehow they ended up working in a legit start-up where they develop some really cool and useful app. Wtf???? 

Most cringe line from their bio: Our vision is to become a global standard for consumer relations (or something equally bumout).

10. The lads that think it’s funny to troll their mates for… having a job and posting on Linkedin

Haha nice one Thomas, you shared a corporate post on how well your company is doing but we went to secondary school together! Schoolboy error. Come on lads, let’s comment funny stuff like “congrats” and “well done” because we’re all mates and this “tell your grandkids” levels of SUPERB craic.

Most cringe line from their bio: Newcastle University graduate.

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