Which ‘Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga’ character is your uni?

Have the Elves gone too far?

Twitter has fallen in love with Netflix’s latest original movie, based on (you guessed it) the Eurovision Song Contest. Following the story of Iceland’s Lars and Sigrit growing up and entering the Contest, the film charts their highs and lows throughout the years, and it also features a star-studded cast.

It’s a pretty fun film, it’s light-hearted, and Will Ferrell is actually funny again. It’s got some song mash-ups between ABBA and Cher too, so what’s not to love? But as with the real Eurovision, there are plenty of characters on show, and most of them are pretty odd – but not half as odd as what you’ll find at university. Here they are, the Fire Saga characters as universities. Which one’s yours?

Lars’ Dad (aka Pierce Brosnan) – Manchester

Because being moody is an aesthetic, apparently? You just love to be miserable. You’d probably relate to Tony in series one of After Life, too. You say you just want peace and quiet, but that’s not quite the truth, is it? You’re pretty tight with money, but once you’ve had a drink you’ll be running round asking to buy cigs off people. On the plus side, you’re probably sickeningly attractive.

Sigrit’s Mum – Oxford Brookes

You tell people that you “go to uni in Oxford” and hope that they think you mean the proper one. You want the best for your mates, and you’ll tell them to break up with their partner like twice a week, because you give advice even when nobody wants it. But hey, at least you like ABBA.

Lars – UCL

You’re a daydreamer, and you don’t really understand the real world, let’s face it. You’re excitable, probably a bit childish, and to be honest you can be a bit of a selfish prick. You’re the type of person who listens to James Blunt and stares out of the window when you don’t get your own way.

Man in portaloo – Lincoln

It’s a metaphor for ending up in Lincoln, really, isn’t it? Just sat doing your business, and then someone came and ruined it all by covering you in shit. Unlucky. There’s not much more to be said. Sorry, Lincoln.

Olaf (aka Angry Man in the car park) – Durham

You’re bored. You hate where you live, because there’s sod all to do. You’re just an angry person, and we’ll probably never know why. Well, no, we do know why, and it’s because Durham is full of Oxbridge rejects – but that’s fine, you’ll come to terms with it one day. Until then, you cling to your simple pleasures in life; just like how Olaf clings to Fire Saga’s song “Jaja Ding Dong.”

Katiana (aka Demi Lovato) – Warwick

Talented, and you know it. You’re youthful, energetic, and some people thoroughly believe in you. But everyone thinks you’re a dick. You’re the type of person who spreads weeks-old gossip, and people just can’t get rid of you. Don’t let that knock you, though, because you’re an alright singer. Congrats.

Sigrit – Bath

Bath is a nice university. Everyone who goes to Bath comes back a nicer human. That’s because Bath doesn’t care what other people think, and fair play to them. You’re more talented than you think, and you’re probably the most attractive in your friendship group. But sometimes you’re a little too nice, which is weird.

Conchita Wurst – Cardiff

Been around for a while now, but at first everyone thought you were a bit weird. Now the world is more accepting, and we love you for who you are. You’re not the main character, but when you’re involved you steal the show. Well done you, Cardiff. Well done.

Stephan (the drummer) – Lancaster

You’re younger than everyone else by a landslide. You’re not part of the action, but you really don’t care. You do you, and nobody can knock that. Fair play.

Eurovision hosts – Oxbridge

Very glam. You’re what the country pretends all of its universities are like. Well done. But you’re cheesy, annoying, removed, and nobody actually likes you that much. But you don’t care, you’re Oxbridge, right?

Mita – Liverpool

You’d DM someone who’s in a relationship, and you make no apologies for it. You like guys who don’t like you, and you chase them. But you’re probably just misunderstood, and go for bad boys because you think you can “fix them.” On the plus side, you’re larger than life, and very confident.

Lemtov (aka the Beast in 2017’s remake) – Leeds

Christ, you’re loud. You think you’re an animal, but actually you’re probably hiding deep-rooted insecurities. You’re a huge flirt, or as Lars says, you’re a “sex player.” You’d buy statues of yourself, and 10/10 would cheat on your gf. You tell everyone you flirt with that you feel a connection with them, and you probably say “no homo” if you say another guy has nice shoes.

Kevin Swain – York

You know a LOT of people. Everyone assumes you’re a really old and established uni, but you’ve only been around since the sixties. Because of that, you’re on the fringes of the action, but not actually involved. You say “my mate at Cov” but in reality you don’t have any mates there. You know them, yeah, but they aren’t your mates.

Nina (choreographer) – Sussex

You’re a bit patronising, but you just want people to let loose and have a dance. Despite that, you’re somehow understated – probably an arts student or something, right?

Victor (aka Jakob from Sex Education) – LSE

Everyone thinks you walk round in a three-piece suit all day, and nothing you tell us will make us think any differently, sorry! You’re a bit of a know-it-all, and you’re past being sarcastic with it – you’re actually cocky. People think you’re a bit of a pessimist too. 100 per cent would kill for money.

Jae-bong (remix DJ) – Newcastle

You’re just a bit out of it, and in your own world. Most likely will take someone to your room, only to make them listen to your “new track” which is, by the way, shit. Would definitely go to TRNSMT rather than Glastonbury. Can’t walk past a bucket hat without buying it.

American students – Nottingham Trent

You’re at uni for the experience, not for the qualification. You’ll probably try and talk to people about Game of Thrones, even though it ended ages ago, and you definitely think Tom Hardy is the best thing since sliced bread. You are a laugh though, apart from the fact that you’d say “I know a spot” and would take someone to Starbucks. Drives like a lunatic.

Graham Norton – Glasgow

You’re unapologetically yourself. The unsung star of Eurovision year in, year out. Everyone lives for your withering put downs. You’re probably the smart one in your friendship group, and once you’ve had a drink you can get a bit rowdy. You’re probably a bit artsy and flamboyant, but we love you for it.

Fishermen – Cumbria

Humble. Not extravagant, or showoffish. People would probably go as far as saying there’s nothing special about you, but that’s harsh; the extraordinary thing is how ordinary you are. Without places you like you, we wouldn’t be here. You’re not the centre of attention, and you like it that way. “Pubs not clubs” right?

The Elves – UEA

Do you even exist? You live in the middle of nowhere, and we’re told you do good things but you’re more of an urban legend. You don’t often come into contact with other people because you’re so removed. You’ve got an air of mystery about you. You’re the quiet one, but you’d happily throw a knife at someone when push comes to shove.

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