Once and for all: Which uni degree is the lamest of all time?

Let’s get one thing straight, all uni degrees are inherently lame and if you are the person who has ever said out loud “I actually really enjoy my course” you are a massive neek and you need to have a word with yourself.

These glorified tickets for the same five grad schemes might all be bumout, but some are more so than others and the time has now come to decide which is the lamest of them all.

Below you’ll see we’ve presented a case for why you might want to vote for each of these degrees, but the decision ultimately rests with you. (Also if your degree isn’t on this list I’m afraid it doesn’t count so please don’t leave some whiny comment underneath this article because that’ll be two Ls in one day for you).

ANYWAY, on with the show:

English

If you’re an English student, you came to uni hoping you could write a couple of poems and be on your merry way to a first. In actual fact, you spend your whole existence reading Old English novels in the library and the books now have marks from where your tears have hit the pages. English is lame, sorry. It’s one of those degrees which doesn’t have a direct career linked to it so why are you wasting your time and money? Unless you want to spend your whole uni time drinking red wine whilst reading The Taming of the Shrew all before getting a job as a primary school teacher, don’t bother.

Modern Languages

If you think you’re going to leave your Modern Language degree fluent in anything other than bullshit you have several other things coming. ML courses know you’ll never catch up to bilingual kids who’ve been fluent in more than one language their whole lives, so most of them don’t bother trying to help you. You know this of course, because you spend your entire degree skipping uncomfortable oral seminars and sneakily reading all the foreign literature you’ve been assigned in translation like the dirty little fiend you are. That won’t stop you plastering your Instagram with incredibly bait snaps of you on your year abroad, or smearing your bleeding heart all over Facebook about what Brexit might mean for Erasmus as though you really give a shit. Ultimately the ML student is defined by a willingness to lie to themselves, and that is lame a fuck.

Classics

Given you basically have to attend a private school to even have an A Level in Greek or Latin you’re already setting the bar quite low, but Classics students really are a wholly different breed of lame. You never see them on nights out, because they never leave the house, and their small dick energy is so apparent you can’t help but wonder why Durex hasn’t tried to monetise it.

History

Choosing to study the past for three years all in the endeavour of being a Historian really is wishful thinking at its prime. Your lecturers are so passionate about what they teach, which is great but you do begin to wonder, do I want to be this receding hairline, alcohol reliant life form in thirty years time who pops a semi over the Byzantine Empire. Maybe you went into this wanting to be a Historian, maybe you just wanted to go to uni and get leathered three times a week for a few years. The unfortunate reality however is that you will most likely end up taking advantage of the 20 per cent alumni discount rate and do your PGCE, becoming submissive to a life of 8-4 and telling frivolous youths to put in their top button. You’ve truly outdone yourself pal.

History of Art

The perfect degree to study as a young yah keen to attend university for the DnB nights she so vocally claims she adores, the easy access to ket without Mummy or Daddy ever finding out, and probably not much else. For a HART student, her social life is her real labour of love, with her studies very much her side bae. Yes she knows her Rembrandt from her Renoir, but at the end of the day, all she’ll leave uni with is incredibly intelligent-sounding dinner table chat, and a remarkable ability to roll the perfect cigarette that she was able to practice in all that free time with only two contact hours a week.

Chemistry

Chemistry students are the indie kids of the science degrees. Not for them the job security of a medical degree, or the big money potential of Engineering. Nah, these guys don’t give a fuck and will either do some totally left field conversion like Law or Teaching, or end up employed in a pharmacutical company making big dolla. They are also the fittest scientists. There is no debate here.

Physics

Of all the sciences Physics is the one which requires you to be the most proficient with maths, which inherently makes it quite lame, but what really makes it lame is that Physics students have to actually work quite hard to do well. Yeesh.

Biology

There’s always one body part Biology students forget to wash every day, like their hair or their face – leaving them with a very off-putting greasy sheen. But yeah seriously these guys are where all the weirdest kids from school ended up and they 100 per cent think a tarantula or a reptile would make a good pet.

Medicine

Everyone knows that Medics are the smuggest students on campus, and there’s nothing lamer than being a smug know-it-all. Medical students can’t go more than five seconds without shouting that they have 9-5 lectures, ACTUALLY, and they are VERY stressed – and then they’ll probably tell you something gross about prostates, or ask if they can do some sort of weird medical procedure on you. They might have good socials, but who cares about a good night out if it only happens once a month?

Veterinary Science

Okay we get it your parents didn’t let you have a dog when you were little and to spite them you stiffed a Medicine degree to be Vet even though you had the grades to do either. Well done you.

Dentistry

Like Medicine students but with less integrity. Yeah mate I bet you really picked Dentistry to help people and not for the big dolla. Then again, money is not lame, so make of that what you will.

Law

Law students give off major “you can’t sit with us” vibes, but the reality is that no one wants to sit with them anyway. Arrogant, narcissistic and power-hungry, you can’t ever have a normal conversation with one without them mansplaining or forcing each and every opinion of theirs down your throat. With their lives dictated by statuTORY restrictions of actually ever having any fun, they are easy to spot with their long wannabe-young professional coats and constant scowl across their face. Often found aggressively pacing noticeably faster than the average person to their next lecture, it’s best to keep well out their way.

Art

I think the reason people are so triggered by Art degrees is because they think doss subjects belong in year 9. However, in reality it’s not a doss subject, but actually a lot of hard, time consuming work. It’s hours and hours of perfecting your craft, that’s what it is. Shouldn’t someone be paying you 9 grand a year for that, and the rest?

FYI you don’t need a degree to be that annoying artsy person on socials.

Economics

Economics students are no fun at parties, and this is the incontestable truth. They’ll forever big up how they’ll be big shot entrepreneurs once they leave uni, meanwhile the actual entrepreneurs are already way ahead of them. They will end up working in recruitment.

Philosophy

What is the meaning of life? Where do we go when we die? Where do we trace our own moral ethics from? Do we seek the ancient Greek philosophers? Or should we assess the assumptions presented by Kant? These are just a microcosm of the questions which may be addressed in your Philosophy BA (Hons), but also questions which could’ve been answered had you actually got better grades and studied English Literature and then had a bit of a weird obsession with The Good Place. Sure, employers love a critical thinker who can assess all arguments and their perspectives, but the Chidi Anagonye within you will literally shit their pants when you’re on a Marketing grad scheme and wondering which philosophical outlook is the best way to approach this campaign.

Theology

Now here’s one thing I’m going to guess about you. Now I’m not too keen on making assumptions but did you go to Scripture Union in High school where you and a bunch of likeminded bible bashers ate toasties in the Art department? Well alas, what other way to invest your servitude and devotion to your theological overlord than by doing a Theology degree. It’s a shame that it’s such a disapproved degree when in theory, if we think of all of the different teachings and approaches to life and the afterlife — but girl what are you going to do when it’s over? Yes your faith may be stronger than ever before and tbf thank God more and more grad schemes are asking for a 2:2 in any discipline because you are going to milk the fuck out of that.

Engineering

Okay, so they might have alright job prospects, but really – who wants a job where all you ever do is design bridges or sewage systems? I’d honestly rather move back in with my parents, which engineers will all have to do anyway, because they have far too many contact hours to ever be able to find a bae. Every engineering student I’ve ever met has a wardrobe almost entirely purchased for them by their mother, which might seem sweet until you realise they’re 21 years old and still wearing Gap hoodies. 

Everything about engineers just screams boring and sensible: from their big, practical backpack with its big, practical pockets, to their faded checked flannel shirts, to the calculators they lug everywhere, just so they can remind everyone they DO do maths.

Maths

Speaking of Maths, you’ve got to hand it to these guys – they knew what they wanted as early as primary school and gosh darnit they’re loyal to numbers. On the real Maths students are scarily smart and earn craploads of money when they graduate because they know htings no one else will know. Big nerds tho.

Geography

With an aptitude for seeing (and colouring) between the lines, and sustainably kitted out in her DeMoo jeans, KeepCup and Rhimani earrings, it’s hard not to spot – or roast, for that matter – a Geography student. A chirpy bunch, they never stop banging on about geographical matters, and are quick to announce the name of the cloud formation that hangs over campus, or tell you all about their last field trip in which they measured the diameter of every pebble they could find at the local pond. What a time to be alive. All in all, they’re super keen and preppy, but are usually a bit wet: welling up at the topic of global warming any time they misread the word “Great” at the top of the essay they spent months working on as “Greta”.

Psychology

First of all, can Freud have a day off? His theories have expired and are starting to smell. Also wtf is up with SPSS? It’s like Excel, but not. And while it would be useful to have Excel skills under your belt, SPSS isn’t used in any place of work so what is the reason in learning it? And memorising all those figures and names for exams is a lame throwback to GCSE’s. At least when you get your psychology degree you can call yourself a psychologist. Wait…

Computer Science

They claim to be the ones who are going to be making the big big money when they leave uni and love to tell you it’s harder than Medicine but, sorry, it’s lame. Where does the personality come into someone who is staring at a bright screen full of 0s and 1s all day?

The one thing Computer Science students do get from their course is practical skills. They can fix your Mac when it breaks during deadline week. The skills it doesn’t give you however are ones in how to tidy your room and get a girlfriend.

Business Studies

This is the degree you choose when you know you want to move away from home but have zero interest in anything slightly cultural or academic. It screams generic and will probably be a pretty easy degree to breeze a 2:1 in. Don’t tell a business student that though as they are known for being very protective about the difficulty of their BTEC Economics degree.

Sports Science

In lieu of actually being a good at a sport, these bad lads spend their days trying to convince themselves and anyone who’ll listen that sport is actually a science. LMAO okay dude. Seriously though, doing this locks you into a masters or a PGCE, and forcing yourself to stay in education longer than you have to is v lame.

Journalism

Much like Philosophy, you could’ve just studied English Literature and then done a postgraduate in Journalism as a more specific course of action with your general and yet well cherished English Literature degree. But instead, you’ve kind of ploughed all of your eggs into one basket from the get go of your UCAS application. Or maybe you were set for English Literature and then discovered like any other Brighton University student what clearing is. You do you pal, can’t wait to see you becoming the next Laura Kuenssberg or maybe we’ll be a bit more optimistic and see you at the declaration of your local constituency in the next general election.

Events Management

You’re at Brookes aren’t you buddy? And you’re a club promoter on the side, right? It’s okay you can tell me I won’t judge. You’re having a lot of sex at uni and that’s great, but graduation is but a few terms away and it’s gonna hit you like a ton of bricks petal. It feels mean-spirited to rinse EM students because real life will do a lot of that anyway, but seriously… you’re paying for this.

Media Studies

99 per cent of the time, media students are doing it because they either fucked their A Levels up or they’re really boring and are trying to compensate by saying they’re a fun media student. They looooove to go on about how edgy and different their lectures are because they analysed a meme in a two hour lecture once. Good luck trying to get a job after uni with those skills. No matter why they chose  it, every media student thinks their degree will be a walk in the park, so when it comes to having to analyse a meme with academic theories in about 3,000 words, the realisation suddenly hits that they probably should have picked something different to study. Oops.

Vote below:

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• Ranking British universities based on how lame their alumni are

• The votes are in: Durham is officially the lamest uni in the country

• Introducing The Holy Trinity of Unis: The three fittest unis in the country