Introducing The Holy Trinity of Unis: The three fittest unis in the country
Jesus died on the cross for these three unis
Not too long ago there were whispers of a Golden Four – the four fittest universities in the country. Newcastle, Bristol, Manchester and Leeds deservedly took the crown, but the winds have changed and three British universities have united to become not the new Golden Four, but the Holy Trinity of unis.
The edgy unis are out, and in replacement Brookes, Durham and Birmingham have become the fittest universities in the country.
Now hear me out, because I can hear the disputing already. Birmingham? Fitter than Manchester? No, I don’t need my eyes testing. It’s scientifically true, and thou hath been blessed with their hotness.
In the name of Brookes, Birmingham and Durham – amen.
For too long Brookes have been the underdogs. When it comes to the posh uni league, Brookes are on there, but doggy-paddle around the bottom as the upper echelons Exeter, Edinburgh, Durham and Oxbridge swim above them.
But enough. Brookes – your time has finally come to be recognised. And it’s not for the uni who have the most firsts or have the highest employment rate after graduating. It’s for being fit, and belonging in the trifecta of the fittest universities in the UK. Mum’s finally going to be so proud.
What makes Brookes students so fit? Money, of course. By default, coming from the best private schools in the country and having a weekly allowance of £200 means it’s impossible not to be fit.
This lot might not have the brains of the Uni of peers, but what they lack in academia they make up in abs, luscious locks, glowing skin and all over stunning behaviour.
Walk down the Cowley Road or hang out in the JHB and you won’t know where to look. Every single person could be a model. They all have beautiful tans, long windswept blonde hair (even the boys), and you can tell beneath the gilets, boat shoes, polo shirts and Gym Shark leggings, there’s an angelic body that could amass thousands of Instagram likes overnight.
Head into Bridge smoking area and it’s like being in the VIP section at a Henley Regatta party. Miles and Toby are quaffing over whether Meribel or Courchevel is the best ski resort and Harriet and Milly are trying to figure out who they can get a bump of coke off. Casper and Rosaline are snogging ferociously whilst Monty tells the boys how his dad met Dav Cam at supper club the other week.
As you sip on a vodka cranberry (note: it’s not house vodka, it’s Grey Goose that someone in a big Canada Goose bought for your group in the club), you realise that no matter what these people are saying, no matter how posh they appear, you just want to shag absolutely all of them and know in your heart you have, for once in your life, pulled a 10/10.
Right calm down. Yes Birmingham is thoroughly unremarkable in literally every way, but you cannot deny the calibre of its most attractive students. When The Tab polled its readers for the fittest male and female in the UK, both male and female heats were dominated by Brum students, with a Birmingham student winning the girls competition by a landslide.
There’s no distinctive quality as to why they’re fit – they’re not an edgy uni like Bristol or Manchester, and they’re not full of poshos like in Edinburgh or Durham. They’re just normal people, at a normal uni, looking to get a 2:1 and have a big, £9,250 knees up every year. They’re attainable fit.
When getting off at Birmingham New Street you’d have little expectation of bumping into your future husband and wife. But when out in Fab you’re like…wait…wow…is this a Love Island casting or am I dreaming?
It’s very easy to write Durham off as the cesspit where all your least favourite private school stereotypes are left to fester, but to do so would be a grave mistake as you’ll be missing out on a hitherto undiscovered treasure trove of fitties.
Let me draw your attention to the Durham University Charity Fashion Show (DUCFS), a marvellous endeavour where Durham reveals itself to have an elite clientele of fit people. I mean just look at them:
Edgy, well-dressed, and diverse – this is not the Durham you read or hear about every day. Maybe they aren’t representative of how fit the uni is as a whole but when they are this fit you just have to say “we take those.” (You can donate to DUCFS causes here or here, btw).
The important thing here is to not let their overriding poshness put you off. Of course they will have a signet ring, wear Veja trainers and have a terrible double-barrelled surname. They will play polo, own at least one horse (which is all over their Instagram) and know half the cast of Made in Chelsea. But despite all these qualities, you just can’t help but be attracted to them. Because posh people are fit and that good sir is an unfair fact of life.