Survival tips for a Glasgow fresher on a night out

Alright, little freshers, gather round. I, your wise and world-weary narrator, have survived more Glasgow nights out than the Subway’s had breakdowns. So please — take my words as gospel. Mother knows best!

Follow these tips and you’ll live to tell the tale — maybe even make it to your 9am. Don’t, and you’ll become a cautionary story I tell next year’s freshers.

1. Bring your ID

This is rule number one, two, and three. You could show up in full tuxedo, wave your uni card, and swear on your gran’s life — if you don’t have valid ID, you’re not getting in. And no, a photo of your passport doesn’t count. Don’t test the bouncers; they’ve seen it all and care for none of it.

2. Pre-drink, but don’t pre-die

I get it — alcohol in the clubs costs more than your weekly shop. But there’s a fine line between “I’m feeling it” and “I can’t feel my legs.” If you can’t form full sentences at pres, you’re staying home. Simple as.

3. Charge your phone

Not half, not 40%. Fully. You’ll need it to call a taxi, find your lost mates, or ring your mum when you’ve run out of booze money and need her to Monzo you £10 “just to get home” (we all know it’s going on chips).

4. Dress for the weather (aka: denial is not warmth)

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I know, I know — the outfit slaps. But remember: Glasgow wind does not care about your aesthetic. Bring a jacket or at least one pal who will. Shivering outside Slouch at 2am in a mini skirt while it’s sleeting? Couldn’t be me (anymore).

5. The “one water, one weapon” rule

By “weapon,” I mean drink, obvs. Alternate every bevvy with a glass of water — future you will rise from the ashes like a hydrated phoenix instead of a shrivelled VK corpse.

6. Download the Unifi app

Queue jumps, student discounts, free drinks — it’s the closest thing you’ll get to financial stability this semester.

7. Know your address

via Google Maps

If you’ve just moved here and don’t know your postcode yet, write it down, tattoo it, embroider it on your tote bag. Nothing screams “silly fresher” like slurring “I live in the brick one near big Tesco” to a taxi driver at 3am.

8. Eat something, for God’s sake

No one’s saying you need a three-course meal, but at least line your stomach with basic pesto pasta or a panic pizza before you start chugging VKs. You’ll thank me when you’re not hugging the toilet by midnight.

9. Getting home safe

Subway dies at 11:30pm, like Cinderella but worse. After that, it’s night buses or taxis — and no, walking 45 minutes in heels through the city centre is not a fun idea. Share lifts, text when you’re home, and if you’re really lost, find the nearest 24-hour McDonald’s and regroup.

10. Look after your mates

You go out together, you come back together. That’s the law. Don’t leave anyone behind, even if they’ve just declared undying love to someone dressed as a traffic cone.

11. The golden rule: Never, ever text your ex.

Been there, done that! Don’t do it babe. Put your phone on airplane mode if you must. The mix of nostalgia, vodka, and bass drop at SWG3 is lethal. You’ll think “I should tell him I miss him.” You should not.