The unofficial, unhinged rulebook for surviving an Exeter night out

Exeter nightlife often gets a bad reputation, but when you do it right, it’s elite. From nailing the ultimate pres to finishing the night strong with a cheeky Efes, there are so many unspoken rules for a great night.

Whether you’re a silly fresh or a final year who swore you’d “grow out of it,” here are the unofficial rules that guarantee you’ll smash that Exeter night out.

Surviving the FIXR war

The prospect of war may seem scary, but here’s something that’s even more terrifying: Trying to secure those precious TP tickets from FIXR. With the rise of a robot army bulk buying tickets as soon as they drop, and sneaky grads trying to earn a cheap buck, bagging one of those elusive tickets is a miracle.

If you are one of the lucky few who manage to get them as soon as they drop – congrats, we’re happy for you. If, as is probably more likely, you are one of the many who missed out: The battle is not over.

Now, you must turn to the world of Overheard and fight off those pesky scammers to grab a ticket without spending £30 or more. I know, it’s criminal.

Start pres at an ungodly time

You call it “pres,” but when it starts at 3pm, is it even pre anything?

Nothing screams Exeter commitment like chopping a pint mid-afternoon. The view from your accom might look nice, but if the sun’s that high in the sky, should you really be on your fourth vodka cranberry? The rulebook says yes.

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Before sunset, someone’s already lost their ID, someone else is crying over their ex, and you’re wondering why your vision’s gone blurry. Those 7:30pm TP tickets demand you start early, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Head to Impy for “just the one”

Okay, Exeter definitely wins with this one. The Imperial, or “Impy”, is one of the best Wetherspoons in the country, so this has to be a stop on the ideal night out. Drinks are cheap so you’re pretty much saving money by having more than one.

You might be planning on having an early night, ready for your 8am lecture, but when you find yourself in Impy it’s probably too late. One pint and before you know it you’ve bought a round of cocktail pitchers.

Avoid sharks like the plague

If you’re a silly fresh, listen up, the sharks are real and even more dangerous than the ones in the ocean. They circle Fever, wear sports stash like it’s armour, and use “What accommodation are you in?” as their go-to pickup line.

Once a shark locks eyes with you, you’re in dangerous waters. Coming back to Fever after you’ve graduated… it’s a bit sad really.

This rule’s simple: Avoid the sharks at all costs. Unless, of course, you are one – in which case, good luck out there I guess?

Run into at least one opp

You can dodge deadlines, mute those annoying group chats, but you cannot, no matter how hard you might try, avoid bumping into an opp on a night out.

Whether it’s in TP or Fever, it’s bound to happen at some point, so you might as well just get this rule over and done with sooner rather than later. You’ll probably spot them across the dance floor, Venom in hand, and start running through possible escape routes like it’s Mission Impossible.

Maybe you run to the smoking area, or head for Top Top. Doesn’t matter. You’ll still bump into them. And yet, despite the trauma, let’s be real – you’ll be back next week.

Spend your student loan on Venoms

They’re sweet, alcoholic, and on the pricy side. Whether you go feral for Venom Wednesday in Fever or are a fiend for a Purple Venom whilst dancing in Top Top, they’re the perfect pick me up to get you through the night.

It might not be the most financially responsible drink but I guess when you hand in those TP cups, they can get pretty cheap. Do you even need a maintenance loan for food when you live on the sugar rush? Absolutely not.

Pray to the Bingo Gods and win nothing

The prizes are legendary, and the glory that comes from winning is even better. Every time I go to Batty Bingo I imagine myself coming back to my flat with a swanky new flatscreen TV. Does this ever happen? No.

Didn’t manage to bag those Cavern Tuesday tickets? Don’t fear, Batty Bingo is where it’s at. You might go in with high hopes, but the rules of the Exeter night out pretty much guarantee you’re leaving empty handed.

We may get told to pray to the “Mecca Bingo God’s”, but they just don’t seem to be answering prayers at the moment.

Go to Vaults (even though you promised not to)

Heading to Vaults after a chaotic TP night is when you officially know you’ve hit a new low. Sure, you might get offered a ton of free stuff, but deep down, you know exactly where you are – rock bottom, and somehow still dancing.

Vaults is the kind of place you swear you’ll never go to again… until you do. Admit it though, part of you kind of loves it.

Make a much needed pit stop at Efes

Forget TP, here lies the Holy Grail of an Exeter night out. It’s the one unspoken rule that must not be broken: Stop at Efes on your way home.

You’ll see everyone – friends, lovers, flatmates, and that one person that still owes you a drink. It’s a great spot for a catch up, and honestly, what better hangover cure than some cheesy chips and a cheeky kebab.

Yes, the queue could rival Glastonbury, but it’s worth it. The garlic mayo has been known to cure heartbreak, and possibly save lives.

Look like an idiot

Finally, if you haven’t followed these unofficial rules whilst looking like a complete idiot, you’ve done it all wrong. I’m writing this article on a Wednesday and have already seen two girls dressed as flamingos… it’s not even 5pm.

Commitment is key and nothing says TP Wednesday like strolling down a busy high street dressed as a lobster or banana. It’s your opportunity to let loose, unleash your creativity, and look like a donkey without the judgement.

Well… we’re not judging at least.