
I asked ChatGPT to roast the Love Island All Stars cast and the results are too savage
I’m letting AI say what I can’t
This year’s Love Island All Stars cast has been in the South African sun for over a week now, so I think it’s time to hand the roasting reigns over to ChatGPT for some classic reads. The Library is officially open, as RuPaul himself would say.
It might have only been seven days, but after starring in their own respective seasons I reckon we know this year’s cast pretty well. But despite our familiarity it’s a bit lacklustre and the viewership numbers are reflecting that. Curtis is Curtis, Olivia Hawkins is her usual messy self, and Luca has sighed so much that I thought my mum was in the villa.
In a bid to inject some fire into Love Island All Stars season two, I have turned the ChatGPT and its evidently sassy artificial intelligence.
1. Luca Bish
“That man’s got the emotional depth of a kiddie pool and the charm of a wet sock. He strutted into the villa acting like he invented good looks, but bless his heart, he’s serving more “Tesco’s value Prince Charming” than anything premium.
“And that whole possessiveness act? Baby, this isn’t Love Alcatraz! Let the girl breathe. But hey, if confidence is key, someone might wanna tell Luca he’s been trying to unlock the wrong doors.
“Luca Bish: living proof that even a fishmonger can smell fishy.”
2. Scott Thomas
“Oh, Scott Thomas? Darling, he’s like that one decorative cushion you buy because it looks good but realize later it’s just there for show—no real substance.
“He came into Love Island like a budget motivational speaker, always talking the talk but delivering…meh. Oh sweetie, you’re not the main course; you’re the side salad everyone politely pushes to the side.”
3. Ekin-Su Cülcüloğlu
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“Oh, Ekin-Su, darling, where do we even begin? The drama, the theatrics, the leading role in her own soap opera. She didn’t come to play, she came to audition for EastEnders.
“She’s like a chandelier in a bedsit: dazzling, over-the-top, and completely unnecessary. Every time she walked into a room, you could hear the imaginary wind machine start up.”
4. Catherine Agbaje
“Miss Catherine thought she was playing chess, but babes, the moves were giving snakes and ladders—rolling dice and praying for the best. And that drama? Sweetie, she delivered tension like a flat soda: all fizz at first, but no one’s gagging for the second sip.
“Her villa romance strategy? Serving more mixed signals than a Wi-Fi router on the blink. One minute, she’s all “eyes only for you,” and the next, she’s ready to recouple like it’s Black Friday. Consistency, honey—look it up!”
5. Curtis Pritchard
“Oh, Curtis Pritchard! The human beige sofa.
“And don’t think we’ve forgotten the whole ballroom dancing angle. Curtis was out here giving Strictly Come Deluded. He may know his steps on the dancefloor, but when it comes to relationships? Two left feet and no rhythm, hun. Curtis Pritchard: proof that even a tall man with dimples can be a complete snooze fest. Stick to the cha-cha, darling—because your love life is a pas de don’t.”
6. Olivia Hawkins
“Liv thought she was serving boss babe, but let’s call it what it was: a full-time drama factory with zero quality control. That girl could start an argument in an empty room, then act shocked when people called her out. And her loyalty? About as solid as a biscuit in hot tea—crumbly, honey, crumbly.
“Olivia Hawkins: a walking plot twist that no one asked for. Girl, if messy as a profession, you’d have tenure.”
7. Ron Hall
“Ron Hall: charming on the surface, chaotic underneath, and proof that even with all the charm in the world, you can still miss the point entirely.”
8. Elma Pazar
“Elma Pazar: a girl who thought she was the main course but ended up as a limp side salad. Sorry, darling, no one’s craving that. She had the “I’m too good for this” energy but couldn’t keep it up long enough to convince anyone.”
9. Ronnie Vint
“Ronnie thought he was smooth, but let’s call a spade a spade—he was about as slick as a squeaky door hinge. His idea of flirting? A mix of awkward one-liners and confidence that came out of nowhere, like a plot twist no one asked for.
“And his contribution to villa drama? Practically nonexistent. Sweetie, even the wallpaper had more impact than Ronnie. He was there, he smiled, he nodded—and then we all promptly forgot he existed.”
10. Marcel Somerville
“Oh, Marcel Somerville—our villa philosopher, self-proclaimed leader of the pack, and the man who could not stop reminding us he was in Blazin’ Squad. Yes, Marcel, we know. You were in Blazin’ Squad. We got it the first 12 times
“Marcel Somerville: the man who brought the wisdom, the calm, and about 10 too many reminders of his boyband days. Iconic? Sure, but mostly in his own mind.”
11. Gabby Allen
“Gabby’s idea of romance? A well-choreographed workout session and a side of passive-aggressive comments. Gabby Allen: fit, fiery, and always just on the edge of being too much—but hey, at least she kept us watching. Barely.”
12. Kaz Crossley
“Oh, Kaz Crossley—Miss Sunshine herself, walking into the villa like a human Instagram filter, all glow and good vibes. Dramatic, heartfelt, and always leaving you wondering if she rehearsed it in the mirror first.
“Kaz Crossley: sweet as honey with just enough sting to keep the boys—and the drama—coming back for more. Girl, you’re a ray of sunshine, but sometimes, too much heat can burn.”
For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.
Featured image credit: Curtis Pritchard/Luca Bish/Olivia Hawkins/Kaz Crossley