41 things you should under no circumstances do at The University of York

Please drop out if you’ve done any more than three of these, you reprobate

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You got rejected from Durham, maybe had an interview at Cambridge, but ultimately ended up at York. A decent Russell Group Uni in a beautiful city where you will probably graduate with a good degree.

However, we would like to warn you that if you have done any of the things described below, you should have a deep sense of shame that will you live with you until the day you pass on from this world and might taint your memories of York forever.

Stay on top floor Salvo for longer than 30 mins

Only through weeks, months and years of training can you successfully spend an entire Salvos on the top floor without escaping to the smoking area to catch your breath.

It takes years to master the art of staying sweat free in Salvos

Go to the library help desk at 7:01pm

If you haven’t realised it’s closed after 37 announcements, you clearly need more help than a librarian can offer.

Live in Tang Hall

It has to be Newland Park Drive or nothing at all.

Don't even go there

Go on about how much you go out in Leeds

I once went to Canal Mills and OMG it was the best night of my life! I drank multiple Red Stripes and skanked to some real fresh good techno x

Study in Harry Fairhurst if you want anything higher than a 2:2

“Haz Faz” AKA the mouthbreather section of the library is rife with Yeezy’s, ice gem haircuts and Fiat 500 girls who study psychology. You will literally get dumber just by sitting near them.

Enter at your own peril

Join a student political party if you want to get laid

Students only join political parties because they don’t get invited to real ones.

Confront one of the campus geese

They are malicious creatures that you should avoid eye contact with at all costs.

Avoid at all costs.

Visit Heslington East

Stay on Hes West at all costs if you would like to remain relevant.

Look how barren it is

Neglect to learn the names of people in your seminar group

This will lead to awkward conversations in Courtyard or when you bump into them at pre-drinks.

Go to Salt & Pepper after a night out

How many times have you woken up wondering why cheesy chips cost you £10?

Jump in the Central Hall lake

Unless you want to develop a mysterious illness that will leave medical professionals baffled.

Ever wanted to know what the bottom of the biggest plastic lake in Europe is like?

Go to parties in Glasshouse

Why would you do this to yourself?

Chant on the bus on a Wednesday night before you get past the Retreat

Everyone knows you keep quiet on the bus until you’re past the final bus stop before you get into town. That way the driver can’t kick you off for hammering the walls and ceiling of his bus.

Constantly reference the fact you were rejected from Oxbridge/Bristol/Durham

You’re at York now. No one cares except you.

Go to Stone Roses

Look, we all know that Lowther is significantly better. You can get trebles with actual brand mixers. I’ll take Vimto over “blue” any day thank you very much.

Where the streets are cold and lonely…

Go to any other takeaway other than Yummy Chicken

Sure, it’s hidden out of the way, and not necessarily on your way home from any night out, but £5 gets you the “No. 7” meal deal. It’s the best takeaway in York by A MILE. Cheat code: If you’re enough of a regular and say you don’t want a drink in your meal deal he’ll give you extra wings.

Wear UoY merch

If you start wearing Uni of York hoodies in the library, you should just leave right now.

Brag about being in Derwent

Everyone else really does hate us.

Derwent foreva x

Call tea “dinner”

You’re in the North now. Accept it.

Attend the D-Bar Quiz…

You could spend your Friday night doing literally anything else and definitely enjoy it more.

…Or actually just don’t step foot in D-Bar ever

Courtyard is much, much better.

Attend a Northern Youth event without your Air Max 95s

A black turtle neck? Long coat? Vintage Air Maxes? You MUST be on your way to discuss fashion in an extremely serious environment!

Host a block party in someone’s bedroom or flat kitchen

How do you expect people to fit??

Imagine fitting another twenty people in here for pres

Chat drunkenly to the 66 bus driver

He doesn’t care about how things ended with Lucy, mate.

Make a Facebook page for your YUSU campaign

You’re probably the only one running for the position anyway.

Fuck with the guys who work in Pizza Kebab House

One of my mate's once used more than their fair share of red salt on their chips so one of the guys working there came over and dumped the entire shaker into their polystyrene containers. True story.

Go to Courtyard when there is a big football game on

Unless you want to see Arsenal lose again.

Or if you fancy the Courtyard King x

Go to LitSoc’s Gatsby Party

Unless for some reason you have a strong desire to be underwhelmed and pay extra for cocktails that vaguely fit the theme.

Go to Burton if you have a cold.

You will receive dagger eyes.

Go to Drop. sober

If you like Grime, that's great. But if you arrive at a Drop event completely sober then expect to be be blinded by the lights and punched in the face by somebody with an extremely mobile jaw

Mention you’re from Lancashire

Biggest inter-university sports tournament in Europe don’t you know.

Wake up in Halifax (the night after Salvos)

You will never experience a longer walk of shame.

It takes roughly eleven minutes to walk back to Derwent

Go to a holi paint party at Flares

They won’t even have paint to throw and doubles will cost you a fiver.

Pronounce Nisa as "Nice-ah"

Everyone knows it’s "Nee-sah".

Don't be that one person who says otherwise

Or get a meal deal from Nisa or 'Nice-ah'

Avoid the corn beef.

Be a fresher

They’re so lame. Immediately join second year to avoid first-year cringe.

Just become a STYC straightaway

Write for The Tab

Social Siberia. Don't make the mistakes we made.

Join the uni hockey team

Oh wait.

Melts

Pretend to be upset about YUSU shop closing

You’ve probably never visited it anyway.

Forget to ask for student discount on the door

Bouncers will conveniently ‘forget’ to tell you otherwise.

Cross the picket line

Don’t be a scab.