The Oscars of York

The Academy Awards were just the warm up for this, the main, marginally more diverse event.

We present to you, the York Oscars:

Best Actor

Josh Kerr – He’s York’s Clubber of the Year, URY’s Assistant Station Manager, Captain of Derwent 6s. And he now has more York Oscars than Leonardo DiCaprio. Is there anything this man – or child – can’t do?

Highly Commended

Ben Leatham – This needed resurfacing.

Best Location for an Instagram snap

Heslington Hall – The juxtaposition of Derwent’s hideous 1960s concrete jungle and the 16th Century charm of Heslington Hall, will never fail to amuse. In one photo you can perfectly capture the best and worst that York has to offer. But if you want to pretend that campus is entirely picturesque, just crop out A Block.

Highly Commended

The York Minster – I just can’t wait for graduation there, the pictures will be amazing. Oh wait…

Best Place to Contemplate Your Life Choices

Hull Road – A contemplative walk along the Hull Road – Sure, you could go to the Quiet Place, but that’s a bit obvious, isn’t it? To be honest, if you find yourself wondering what it’s all about, what better place is there to do so than the Hull Road in its entirety? Stuff those hands deep into your pockets, put on your most wistful tunes, and stroll from the BP garage past the Boulevard in all its opulence to the Shell garage, past Co-op and up to the Windmill Lane crossroads…or perhaps even further, past Archbishop Holgate? Consider it a pilgrimage.

Best Place to Break Up With Someone

Popworld revolvingdance floor – “No I’m not crying. Its just really sweaty in here”.

Best Original Song

Beth Cash – ‘Campaign Song’ – Beevor came close with his homage to Stormzy. But the runaway winner has got to be Beth Cash with her inspired take on Rachel Platten’s ‘Fight Song’. It has now been watched a staggering 17,000 times. 

According to a very serious survey conducted by the Tab, 38 per cent of you felt ‘violated’ while watching it. Anything that can evoke such strong feelings deserves an accolade.

Best Club

Fibbers – A dark horse for sure, but not without reason. The rebranding of Rebel to Throwback Thursdays has given the week’s penultimate night a real dichotomy – and thus, plenty of choice even once you’ve stepped in. Stay in Bierkeller to get absolutely hammered from some steins and dance to the best/worst the noughties had to offer. Or head into Fibbers proper, where nights can get surprisingly dark and house-infused. In short, you can go from clean to ketty in a few footsteps. That proximity to Mansion is beginning to rub off.

Best Course

Fulford golf course – Situated in a heathland and woodland setting just one mile from the centre of the historic city of York, Fulford Golf Club remains one of the best inland golf courses in Britain. A round only costs £45 which is definitely better than anything we’re spending £9,000 a year on.

Highly Commended

PEP – Despite literally everywhere in the world calling it PPE you’ve decided to be individual and invert the letter order. Your dedication to regular socials is second to none. For that we congratulate you.

Best Place to Pretend to Work

Blue thrones in the JB Morrel – Buoyed with the excitement of securing the most sought after seat in the whole university, you’ll spend your whole time snapchatting your mates and won’t actually do any work. They’re far too comfy for anything to actually get done anyway though.

Best Place to Cry

Tab meetings – Apparently ‘Clubbers of the Week’ doesn’t count as relevant experience for The Guardian grad scheme.

Best Original Screenplay

Check Mate – Is it the best film of all time or the worst film of all time? I still can’t decide. Either way, it’s worth some kind of award just for the line “My Dad died because of America; he was just minding his own business.”

Best Takeaway

Pizza House– In a hotly contested category, Hull Road’s Pizza House has come out on top. Their proximity to numerous student houses, and propensity to give free food to regulars gave them the edge over the likes of Yummy Chicken and Efes.

Lifetime Achievement Award

Geoff – He’s everyone’s favourite bouncer. No one has ever seen him in a bad mood, no matter what we throw at him – metaphorically and literally – on a wednesday, and for that he must be lauded.

Best Drama

Tronspiracy – YUSU injunctions. Libelous YikYak messages. A fallen hero. Outstanding puns. This story had it all.

Best Special Effects

BlackBox – Their CGI is better than Gravity or The Martian as everyone there seems to be on another planet.

Best Supermarket

Literally anywhere that isn’t NISA –

Best Costume Design

The Northern Youth – Some of the outfits were more outrageous than top floor Salvos on a Wednesday. But they raised an eye watering sum for charity so this award is our reward to them.

You’re welcome.

Best Place to Make Friends

Girl’s toilets in Salvos – I can’t say I’ve ever been. This could be why I have no friends…

Best Bar

Evil Eye – It’s rumoured to be Johnny Depp’s favourite bar in the world. If its good enough for Johnny, its good enough for us.

Highly Commended

Fossgate Social –  It caters for all your hipster needs. It even has a gazebo outside with fairy lights. Could you ask for anything more? 

Seemingly yes…The endorsement of Johnny Depp.