Tom AC, Agony Uncle: Food thieves, loud sex and filthy housemates

 In his first week as Tab agony uncle, Tom AC dispenses his advice on healthy eating, matchmaking and loud sex and housemates with dirty boxers…

Food is always going missing in our house. Mainly snacking food. We know who the culprit is and we confronted them once, but they denied it was them. How do we get them to admit they’re doing it and stop? – Nick, second year, English

Shit. Are you OK? Why did you contact me and not the serious crimes unit at the police station? I hope you realise this is an agony uncle column and not the Terrorist Hotline. After all, this is a serious crime.

You say “snacking food”, but what does that mean? What about fruit? In fact don’t answer that – nobody eats it except vegans and virgins, which are often the same thing. What about ice cream? Some say it’s a snacking food, but others consider it a dessert.

If my ice cream were taken, I would lose my shit. I would consider it not just the behaviour of a shit housemate, but that of a dangerous individual. Maybe waterboarding them is the only option to get them to admit to the heinous crime of stealing your Pringles and Hob Knobs. I think if you actually did do that and got caught, the judge would let you off based on your defence of “Yeah but he did steal my pink wafers”.

How have you managed to email in to me without being a complete shaking mess. I’m more concerned about your wellbeing than the issue of the stolen food. I would recommend counselling, as you can’t suffer this on your own.

Obviously I’m taking the piss though. This isn’t a problem – it’s barely an inconvenience. There will always be those who are too tight-fisted to buy their own food and will steal their housemates. It’s a tale as old as time itself. If they don’t stop, my best advice would be to ejaculate into their shampoo and conditioner.

It won’t stop them from taking your Jaffa Cakes, but they will be showering in your spunk.

I live with a really messy girl. She’s really busy applying for grad schemes and acts like she’s got her life in check but the reality is she’s an utter state. She doesn’t even wash her clothes. I don’t mind that she smells and her room is a tip, but she leaves her shit everywhere. How would you deal with this? – Eleanor, third year, Criminology

It’s funny you should bring up this really as I had a very similar experience. In my second year I lived with two chaps, both of whom were just awful. One of them had the smelliest feet I’ve ever come across in my life – anyone who had the misfortune of being in his shoeless company can back me up. Both of them were messy, dirty, and incapable of basic hygiene, cleaning up or, well, even leaving the fucking house on their own.

They used to sit there in their dirty boxers and play Minecraft while chain smoking in the living room, leaving a trail of shit behind them like a dystopian Hansel and Gretel. How did I deal with it? I spent as little time in the house as possible, and only came home when I felt sad. A few minutes looking at the two of them was certain to cheer me up.

Life is all about perspective after all. A leopard won’t change its spots and no matter how much you nag your housemates they won’t change either, so better to just accept it, find peace and carry on with your life.

I have a housemate who, in her two-and-a-half years at university, has never kissed anyone. She’s so self conscious but is always talking about how she wants a boyfriend. The issue is she won’t do anything to try and meet someone, and when we suggest things she shoots us down. It’s so annoying. How do we encourage her to try and meet someone? – Alex, third year, Maths

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it Jet Ski. I applaud your efforts in trying to get them a boyfriend, but if she isn’t having any of it then I would say just call it a day.

I had a similar situation in my first year. I lived with a boy who was by all accounts pretty damn fat, but he would constantly complain that he would never get a girlfriend because of his weight. I felt bad, I truly did, so I offered him some easy healthy recipes and offered to cook meals with him. What did he do? He declined and proceeded to have a Rustler’s burger whilst waiting for his microwave curry to be done. See, no good deed goes unpunished. He was actually getting more action than me, where’s the fucking justice in that?

My advice is to just leave this said housemate to her own devices. Then in future, when you have sex in the house, be as loud as possible – I mean really loud, ASBO loud. Maybe then they’ll realise what they’re missing out on and they’ll leave their room and try and find someone who’ll make them scream like that.

Either that or for the rest of term you will have to have sex knowing your odd flatmate is probably listening and doing naughty things to herself.

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