Everything you’ll experience in your boring summer retail job

Student loan’s run out, it’s time to return to your mundane summer job in retail. There’s only so long you can ignore the size of your overdraft, and having your card declined for a McFlurry might be the final straw.

It’s time to pay the price for all those pints. Here’s everything to expect on your return.

You will find any excuse to sit down

You’ll secretly get excited when someone asks you to serve them shoes. Kneeling down next to a customer and having to be uncomfortably close to their bare feet is actually better than another minute of standing. Besides, eventually they’ll ask for something from the stockroom and you’ll catch time for a two minute nap.

Asking for time off is hell

Even if you asked your boss for that week off six months in advance, good luck actually getting it. It’s sale season and they are certain they need your labour more than you need that week in Ayia Napa. Plus, they’ve probably already forgotten you even asked.

Don’t even try impulsively booking any holidays or festivals “last minute”, because last minute is not an option in summer retail jobs. You would be fired. If they didn’t need you to work so bad, that is.

Folding clothes for displays will be the bane of your existence

I mean yeah folded displays look good, but God, at what cost? Customers always try and “refold” what they’ve messed up, but it’s so half assed that it actually just makes you more angry than if they’d have left it.

You’ll count down the hours with a variety of colourful techniques

You get so good at mentally minimising the hours you have left it’s actually impressive.

You’re like, “Three hours? That’s just three sets of one hour, and one hour is easy. Plus my lunch is half an hour, so really it’s only two and a half hours, and that’s how long Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was.” 

You’ll dread greeting customers

A lot of the time you get ignored by customers and are just left trying to smile through gritted teeth. At other times, customers are so rude you feel genuine pity for their spouse and children.

At least once a day you’ll get the nightmare customer who’ll raise their hand to shush you before you even open your mouth.

Everyone hates this person.

Lazy customers will become your pet hate

Customers have a habit of walking in and immediately asking you where something is. When five things need to be grabbed from the stockroom, an online order needs to be sorted and someone needs to get on the tills; you might just have to check the SELF SERVICE section yourself Sir.

Maybe it’s just an awkward millennial thing, but if I was literally choking in Topshop I would go and find a corner to quietly die in, instead of asking the staff for help.

You have MAJOR holiday jealousy issues

When a customer you’re serving says they’re off on holiday it’s programmed in you to automatically respond, “ooh anywhere nice?” But in reality you couldn’t care less.

You’re filled with jealousy every time you hear one of their exotic responses and can only pretend to look interested.

“Wow Sharon, have a great time in Mallorca with the kids for two weeks.”

I’ll just be here…every hour…of every day…for what feels like the rest of my life.

You’ll massively overeat on your lunch break

You’ve gone so many hours without food and despite swearing you wouldn’t get Maccies this week, you’ve passed under the golden arches. You need that double cheeseburger more than you need oxygen right now.

The devil’s spawn will haunt you

Children.

They run around the shop screaming at the top of their lungs and then once they’ve left everything they have touched is sticky. Why?

You’ll 100% end up working the hottest day of the year

It’s 30 degrees outside, your mates have planned a bbq, rounders and a healthy dose of daytime drinking at the park. Literally EVERYONE is going. But, your manager has decided to put you down to open and close the shop because “she heard you wanted more hours.” Now you’ll spend the day sweating in a stockroom instead.

Your time will come

At least you only have to stick it out until you go back to uni. Then you can spend all your hard earned cash on takeaways and booze and be richer than all your friends. Perfection.