EXCLUSIVE: Cameron to introduce further measures to curb child exposure to porn

In an exclusive for The Tab, we can reveal the exciting follow up plans Prime Minister David Cameron has lined up to continue the fight against children being exposed to pornographic and sexual content. We received an invite to a Skype chat with the PM, where he outlined his upcoming Three Point Porn Plan for us.

“Well first, I’d like to make something perfectly clear.” the PM began, looking up from the paint he had been sniffing. “The regulations we are introducing are nothing to do with censorship or invasion of privacy. They are simply a set of procedures designed to filter out content to anyone except those who are prepared to admit to their broadband provider that they enjoy adult entertainment. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Our new plan is composed of three steps. The first is to ensure that children in their daily lives aren’t exposed to any form of sexual or adult imagery. Posters of people wearing lingerie, swimsuits, or low cut tops will be covered up and only be accessible to adults who will have to insert a government ID into a nearby card reader. They will then be able to view the content through a small viewing hole. Lingerie stores such as Ann Summers will be required to deploy camouflage during daylight hours to appear like insurance companies, dissuading minors from entering the buildings. Finally any members of the public (which includes those on beaches or in swimming pools) thought to be indecent by the newly deployed Police-Operation Regulating Nudity force will be rigorously questioned to establish if they have ever had deviant sexual thoughts or fantasised about anything remotely kinky.

Inappropriate clothing example, showing exposure of the collar bone

“Secondly, we will work with the media to impose tighter regulations on sexual content which children might be exposed to. This will include ensuring media with subliminal sexual undertones is not shown before the watershed, such as anything involving adults kissing or that Batman film with the nipples on the suit.

An example of a children’s TV character with clear sexual undertones. Note the phallus on his head.

“Finally, we will begin performing random searches of the houses of parents to ensure children will not accidentally stumble on pornographic material in the home. It has been found that many parents undertake in the unsightly practice of copulation; and may employ pornography or stimulation aids for this purpose. This clearly poses the risk of children discovering the material, and we will work with parents to ensure any such content is stored in a safe, government approved locked box; and that any sexual activity is strictly limited to thirty minutes a week during school hours.”

When asked whether this constituted a blatant and unjustifiable violation of basic privacy Cameron replied: “Don’t be ridiculous. What are you, a paedophile?”, before picking up a large stack of Penthouse magazines and a tub of Vaseline, and declaring that he had to leave to continue his “research”.